


You're The Light That Shines In Me

by Freerangeegghead



Category: Marvel's Runaways - Fandom
Genre: Adventure & Romance, Also PRIDE in the name of love, Also Tina Minoru, Also we need more Deanoru ff, Angst and Feels, Big Gay Love Story, Canon Continuation, Cause Deanoru is the gayest that ever gayed the fandom, Charts Deanoru love story, Childhood Friends, Coming of Age, Deanoru awesomeness, Established Relationship, Eventual Romance, Expanded Universe, F/F, Falling In Love, Family, Friendship/Love, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, In the service of team Deanoru worldwide, Mentions of canon awesomeness, Prequel to show, Relationship(s), Romance, Runaways (TV 2017) Spoilers, Sequel to show, Slow Burn, Teen drama and angst meets superhero powers, Teenage Drama, Well-written Deanoru fic, When you want fanfic that reads like a novel sorta, Women Being Awesome, You're welcome fandom, so much exposition
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-04-25 09:15:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 33,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22287589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freerangeegghead/pseuds/Freerangeegghead
Summary: In which Karolina Dean and Nico Minoru are childhood friends who don't realize, in the course of their journey, that their destinies have always been intertwined. But  when they find out about their parents' involvement in the nefarious PRIDE group, it threatens to destroy whatever future they may have with each other. Will they ever find their way to each other? Or will forces of nature always conspire to keep them apart? (Mentions of canon, prequel to season 1 of canon comics and show, sequel to post season 3 show canon/comics)
Relationships: Karolina Dean/Nico Minoru
Comments: 12
Kudos: 108





	1. Part  1: How it all begins

**Author's Note:**

> Important: Please read first before proceeding to chapter 1.  
Rating: Rated T ~ M - For themes, language, violence, scenes of a possibly intimate nature, etc. No smut.
> 
> Spoilers: Mentions of canon (TV series, comic books).Will be prequel to season 1 of canon comics/show, sequel to post season 3 show canon/comics). Explores all those scenes left out in show. Could go on and on.
> 
> Warnings: Explores themes/ideas about gender, sexuality, identity, sexism, patriarchy, etc. Trigger warnings apply. Creative liberties used for storytelling purposes. Character-centric. Lots of exposition, maybe even plot. Could get boring.  
Inspirations: Pretty much every teen drama that ever existed ever + teen superhero/sci-fi/fantasy movies. Come for the superhero storytelling, stay for the angst and drama.
> 
> Why though: Because Marvel's Runaways got cancelled way too soon. Because Deanoru is awesome and relationship backstory is fun.Team Deanoru all the way.
> 
> Other A/Ns: Thanks in advance for polite, kind, constructive reviews and favs, follows, etc. Will try to update regularly. Also, have not read other Deanoru fics so for those who think it might be familiar, this is a fic I wrote ages ago for another fandom and then deleted. Repurposing fic for this fandom. So, writing is original but uses lots of tropes. Characters ain't mine though.
> 
> Thanks to: kickangel for everything. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Nothing owned, nothing gained, pure fiction. Skip/don't read, if it's not your cup of tea. You've been warned. Read at your own risk. Still with me? Awesome. Enjoy and happy reading!

Nico Minoru is six years old the first time her mommy Tina and her daddy Robert take her to Japan.

It is right after some kid named Molly Hayes Hernandez's parents die. She remembers the funeral. There had been dinner after. Later at home, she could hear her parents arguing in their bedroom.

Later, her mommy promises her it's "only a holiday", that they'll be back in Brentwood faster than one can say Jackie Robinson. Nico thinks Jackie Robinson is her mommy's best friend, or some famous man. She doesn't get that it's just an expression until she's older. Her mommy likes to use a lot of words that young Nico doesn't understand. Sometimes she thinks her mommy might as well be from another planet. She doesn't ask her mommy what things mean sometimes because her mommy always seems impatient and makes this sound that's like a "tsk" sound whenever Nico asks her anything and then they end up arguing.

Like on the plane ride, which was very long and boring and tiring, Nico would ask her mom if she could get a coke or a sprite from the tray or maybe some peanuts or how long the flight would take and her mom would just look at her with her stone-cold eyes and impatiently tell her something curt in Japanese (she thinks maybe it's "shut up" but she's not sure). So Nico would stare at her mommy, make a face, lean back on her chair, fold her arms together and sulk, or hold her breath until her mommy either loses her temper or gives in. Sometimes her mother just ignores her but even at six, it is hard to ignore a child like Nico.

In fact, on the plane, when she does this, the pretty flight attendants come around to her with coloring books, crayons and a cute stuffed teddy for her to cuddle with. Once or twice, one of the flight attendants pass her by and smile or ask her if she's alright or if there's anything else she needs. She looks at the flight attendant coolly, shakes her head and rudely says, "No." Tina Minoru looks at Nico and glares. Nico feels her glare and her face reddens. Nico feels herself shrivel at that glare. Tina tells her, between gritted teeth, to apologize to the nice lady and Nico mutters a mumbled sorry. Nico leans back and nothing is said for the rest of the flight. Tina Minoru has made her point.  
Her father, Robert, is across the aisle, oblivious to this exchange, sitting beside Nico's older sister, Amy. She'd ask her father for help, but she knows her father would just follow their mother. Everyone just follows Tina Minoru.

Her mommy's different from her daddy. She knows her mommy doesn't hate her or anything. She knows her mommy loves her. But her young mind also knows life is easier if her daddy is around. She glances at her father across the aisle. He is a handsome man. She could see that from how the women - even the flight attendants - look at him. He doesn't have their mother's withering glares and scary words, but he can command a room, too, if he wants.  
Her father looks tired. He's been working a lot and staying out late a lot and when he's home it's a bit different. She could hear her mommy and daddy talk very loudly to each other even though it's a big house and her room is at the other end of the hallway, when they think she can't hear them or when they think she's asleep. When she hears their voices like that she curls up on her bed and covers her ears.

It's her first long flight and already she's bored. There's nowhere else to go and the plane feels weird moving around like that and her ears are all funny and she can't hear anything and all she wants is to get out of plane.

When she asks the flight attendant how long the flight's going to take, she replies “about eleven or twelve hours, give or take”. Nico doesn't quite understand it because of something called time zones, and how it's day (or maybe night) in Japan, and they're going east, and they have to change time zones, but they're on a plane, so it's either morning, or noon or night, depending on where they actually are. She thinks it's pretty cool. It's like time traveling in one of those old shows her daddy likes to watch. But mostly she thinks it's confusing, because she wants to sleep but she's not sure if she's sleepy or not and she's beginning to have a headache and it feels like something is pushing at her eyeballs or hammering behind her eyes. She tries to watch something on the screen in front of her, but she doesn't like Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, or Men in Black II or Spiderman and is about to flick through more on the menu when her mommy says, “Will you just pick one already?!?” and so she chooses Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, even though she's already watched it with her father and promptly falls asleep right at the time where Harry discovers Tom Riddle's diary can talk. She loves Harry Potter movies.

Up in the air, thousands of miles from home, she already misses home and she realizes she's sad.

***

The airport in Tokyo is huge to Nico Minoru's young mind.  
But mostly it's confusing and it's filled with a lot of people rushing about with luggage and kids and voices overhead and people keep bumping into her, or their bags keep hitting her on the head and she's sleepy and tired and her eyes and head feels like what the basilisk feels in the Chamber of Secrets when the bird tears out its eyes with its claws and beak.

Her parents are equally as tired and after what seems like hours standing in a line at customs and immigration and at the baggage carousel watching endless luggage turn round and round, she finds their luggage – her mother's large beige one, and her smaller plastic pink one with the handles and step out of the airport.  
They are picked up from the airport by a man named Kawasaki-san. Kawasaki-san is short and thin and wears a suit and is very polite, always bowing to her mommy and daddy, calls her mommy, "Minoru-San” or "Mrs. Minoru" and Nico, “Nico-san" or “Miss Nico”, her sister, "Amy-San" and her father, "Mr. Minoru"or "Minoru-san". She wonders what the "san" stands for but decides not to ask. Then Kawasaki-san starts to speak in rapid Japanese and her mother and father also speak in Japanese and it's then she realizes they are no longer in California. She looks around and realizes all the people around them, milling about, bleary-eyed and tired, look like her, almond-shaped eyes and dark hair and short, slight frames. Back in Brentwood, she'd rarely seen people like herself. She'd seen kids like herself in school, but never like this. She suddenly feels overwhelmed and scared and she grabs her father's hand, clutches it, retreats behind her father's back. Her father notices, looks down and smiles at her, runs a hand on her hair. Her father and mother rarely hug her, or tell her "I love you". After a few months in Japan, she begins to understand why.  
Kawasaki-san opens the door for them, and drives them away in a shiny black car that looks expensive because she can see the impressed looks from people around them. He asks how Nico is in Japanese and Nico smiles and replies proudly that she is fine, thank you, relieved those years of taking Japanese language lessons have paid ofd and the man laughs in amusement and she wonders why. Later she thinks it's maybe because she has an accent, but Kawasaki-san is a nice enough man and she thinks maybe he just finds her cute and he says so. She thinks Nigel is a family friend or something.

The car is cool, the windows up, no music is playing, Kawasaki-san quiet as he drives them away from the airport. She presses her face against the window, in the back of the car, staring out at the sights in front of her.

The city's a bit like Brentwood but then also, not like Brentwood at all. First of all, there are tall buildings and taxis and recognizable places like McDonald's and KFC and Burger King, but at the same time, almost everything is in Japanese - and she wishes she'd paid more attention in her Japanese writing classes. She can read some, but not all, and reminds herself to brush up on Japanese later.

***

It's summer, so she sees a lot of people out in the streets. She sees a lot more Japanese people here, too, in their shiny new cars, or just walking down the street, and she finds it weird, because back home, there were more white people than people like her.

They roll into the city and she again realizes how very much like L.A.Tokyo is, because it's as confusing and energetic, cars and buses and people and billboards and familiar places – McDonald's and KFC and Burger King again.

Kawasaki-san clears his throat then and reaches for the radio, turns it on, turns the volume down low and Nico hears Japanese words and Japanese pop music. She glances at her mother and she can see her mother's lips curl in disdain as she clutches at the pearls on her neck. Her mother hates pop music. She thinks it's barbaric. If she had her way she'd make Nico listen to classical music only. In fact, she'd made Nico take piano lessons and violin lessons with this scary white woman who never smiled. Classical music is okay, but listening to Beethoven continuously can get boring. Either that or listen to Barney, and Nico hates Barney. She really, really hates Barney. She hates that he's a talking dinosaur. She hates that he's purple. She hates how he sings.

Then again, Mommy thinks a lot of things are bad. She even thinks Harry Potter is bad and she and Nico get into a lot of fights over it. Her mommy must have been very tired on the plane because she let Nico watch Harry Potter even though she doesn't like Nico watching it. Her daddy lets her listen to music or watch whatever Nico wants, as long as it doesn't have the F-words or other bad words. Pop music is okay because it's pop music.

Her parents argue about a lot of things, actually, right down to whether Nico should go to for church on Sundays or not. Her daddy is Buddhist, her mother doesn't go to church at all. She doesn't mind going to the temple with her father though. It means she gets to spend time with her daddy and her grandma and grandpa, and she genuinely likes taking part in the rituals and smelling the incense and listening to the monks and the silence and everything else. Her mommy doesn't think so. Her mommy doesn't believe in religion.

She doesn't like it when her parents argue because of her, because then her daddy would sometimes disappear for hours and it worries her. But her daddy told her he's coming to Japan too, and she's happy about that. 

After a while, Nico falls asleep.

***

Nico wakes up to the feel of soft pink sheets and soft pink pillows and billowing pink curtains and a bed and she immediately realizes she's home. She had woken up from her nap in the car when Kawasaki-san announces, “We're home” and she opens her eyes just in time as the car is turning down a long, lonely, tree-lined road, then up a hill, stopping in front of a large, wrought-iron gate. There's a long, graveled roadway, a manicured lawn and a large house surrounded by trees. The house is big, to six-year old Nico's eyes. But not as big as their house in Brentwood. As Kawasaki opens their car doors, and brings their luggage inside, her mother doesn't say anything. She goes up the stairs and disappears down the hallway. She doesn't see her til later.

She finds her in a room with an old lady lying on it, and her mother tells her it's her grandmother. Her grandmother looks pale and sick but she smiles and welcomes Nico with open arms, gushing and cooing and happy that Nico is there. Nico hasn't met her before but she is pleased that she likes her. She wonders where her grandfather is, but her mother tells her her grandfather has “gone to meet his Maker”.

She gets up and goes to the window, taking a peek at the view outside. There is a man on the grounds, taking care of the bonsai growing in and around the lawn. It isn't Kawasaki-san, so she knows she hasn't met this man before. Kawasaki-san has gone home, she thinks. The air is crisp, clean, fresh, better than the air inside the plane, and she inhales it, takes a deep breath, smiles to herself. She feels a mixture of childish excitement because everything is new and exciting and she's already thinking about the many places in the big house that she can explore, the large front yard and backyard that she can roll around in, the trees she can climb, the people she can meet, the many endless hours in the day that she can use for playing. Her grandmother have promised to take her everywhere, so she is looking forward to that, too. She has so much to tell her friend, Alex Wilder – from her plane ride to the house to the many things she will enjoy this summer. Most of all, she can't wait to go around Tokyo with her family together, and she smiles to herself, clapping her hands together in excitement.

  
This is going to be one fun summer holiday, she thinks.

It's going to be the best ever.

Little does she know that this little trip will change her life forever.


	2. The Long Goodbye

That first summer Nico spends in Tokyo is equal parts magical and fascinating and lonely. 

The house itself provides her with endless possibilities. 

She spends days exploring the house. Her mother has suddenly become very busy, calling on the phone, going online, meeting with men in suits and taking care of Nico's grandmother. Sometimes when she passes by her grandmother's room, she sees her mother with a bowl and a spoon, talking to her grandmother in a soft voice, coaxing her grandmother to eat. Once, she sees her grandmother push the bowl away, spilling soup on the floor. She watches between the cracks as her mother jumps back, brushes her clothes away, sighs and says, “Mother.” She is surprised that her mother doesn't get angry. If that were her, her mother would have already sent her to her room. Once when her grandmother has been particularly difficult, she hears her mother in the bathroom, sobbing. This surprises Nico even more. She's never seen nor heard her mother cry. Her mother, Tina Minoru, is one of the strongest women Nico knows. That she would hear her mother sobbing makes Nico afraid. She wants to go to her mother and put her little arms around her mother's neck, but she thinks maybe her mother wants to be alone, and so she leaves her alone. 

***

Amy, who is fluent in Japanese and has spent time in Japan before Nico is born, takes to Japan like a fish to water. Older than Nico, she is confident, and happy and people are drawn to her like flies to honey. She has friends and relatives and other people to visit, so Nico is left to her own devices as their mother and father work.  
And so Nico spends her days alone, going through the rooms of the house or walking around in the lawn, or amongst the trees in the back, barefoot and without a care in the world. She would look up at the sky and marvel at how big and blue it is. One of those days of exploring, she discovers a storage room and amidst the dust and cobwebs and boxes covered by white sheets, she starts to look over things. She sees old framed photos, of her mother in school, wearing uniforms, at parties, at her graduation, at the beach, in front of buildings. She sees a picture of her mother, with a baby in her arms – Amy she thinks. In other pictures, she sees herself, a baby, with her mother and her father. She sees stacks of books. She sits on the dusty floor and goes over the books, Japanese books or Japanese translations of books. She sees old manga books and paperback novels – she opens one book and sees the name “Tina Minoru" written in a childish handwriting and she knows the books once belonged to her mother. 

She opens one book, which is about a girl named Haruhi Suzumiya and starts to read.

***

Sometimes she spends her days exploring the grounds around her grandmother's house. Beyond the house, at the back, there is a pleasant little hinterland through which a stream hurries through a wide and stony bend. Here there is a smooth freshness of air, alive with the voice of the stream. The flat stones are hot in the sun and a heat-haze wavers above the river-bed. Here she spends days sitting on the stones, reading picture books. Sometimes she walks over the stones, over springy lichen and patches of dry grass, green grass, prickly shrubs and sprawling bushes, and on up farther upstream into a patch of dark trees until her mother has to come out and shout at her to not go too far. Sometimes Amy accompanies her but oftentimes as long as she promises to stay within sight of the house, she can stay by the stream. Nico realizes she likes being alone sometimes, reading, sunlight streaming overhead, the stream pleasantly gurgling, lulling her into a certain kind of peace. 

***

Nico's dad takes her and Amy to temple sometimes, when he's not busy taking care of her grandmother or working. He takes Nico to the temple in town and brings her to a restaurant after. Nico doesn't really care so much for temples, but seeing the temple comforts her a little, it makes her feel a bit closer to her dad. 

***

The day Nico's mother breaks the news to her that they aren't going back home to America just yet because she has to take care of Nico's grandmother devastates Nico. Nico throws a tantrum that night. 

She holds her breath until her face turns blue and her mother's face has a mutinous look as she tells Nico, “I said, breathe, Nico, dammit!”

Nico just looks at her then and her mother looks back, makes a disgusted, irritated noise, turns on her heels, stomps out of Nico's room and slams it behind her.  
Nico sulks and refuses to come out and eat. 

She falls on her bed and cries herself to sleep. 

Her mother ignores her. 

Finally, in the middle of the night, her mother re-opens her door, and sees Nico asleep on her bed. It is dark inside the room.

Her mother slowly walks toward the bed, sits beside her, watches her sleep, turns on the bedside lamp and slowly, tentatively, puts a hand on Nico's head, rubbing her head gently. Nico stirs, her eyes fluttering and she moves, sees her mother looking at her. There is a look in her eyes that make Nico feel bad. A look of sadness, regret.  
Nico moves towards her mother, puts her small arms around her mother, and whispers, “I'm sorry, mommy.”

It surprises her mother so much she doesn't know what to say for a good few moments, before she whispers back, “I'm sorry, too, Nico. I can't just leave your grandmother. You know that.”  
Nico sniffs. “I know.”

“I'm really sorry,” her mother repeats, drawing her closer to her.  
“When can we go home?” Nico asks. 

Tina sighs. “As soon as we can honey. As soon as we can.”

“Okay.”

***

Nico wants to be brave, really, really brave, but the first few days and weeks after she realizes she isn't going back home just yet, are the hardest. 

Before school starts, her grandmother falls ill and it falls to her mother to take care of her. It takes up most of her time.  
Nico wants to be good, really, really good, but sometimes she loses her temper, and so sometimes she is asked to sit in a corner, staring at the wall for hours on end, until it is dinner time or at least until her mother thinks she's been punished enough that she can rejoin the rest of the household. Her grandmother would argue with her mother about sending Nico to her room or to a corner, but her mother doesn't budge. 

The rest of the summer turns unpleasant for Nico, knowing as she does that she can not go back to California. Sometimes she finds her mother looking at television news, watching so intently she thinks her mother would break the television by sheer force of will, like a Jedi or a Sith probably.  
Sometimes she closes her eyes, tries to imagine the smell of California, the dinners on weekends, the feel of the ground beneath her feet, the noise of a million different cars and buses, voices and laughter, the hustle and bustle of American life.

***

Sometimes, she would hear her mother and father argue. One particular argument had stood out more than the others. She'd caught them arguing in the kitchen as she entered the house.

"Are you sure about this?' she'd heard her father ask her mother.  
"It's the only way," her mother responds.

"Please don't do this" her father begs her. "The last time this happened, we almost lost you..."

"She can help us..."

"Yes, but at what cost, Tina?" Her father asks. "At what cost?" He asks this in a broken voice. "We sold our souls when we agreed to be part of this, Tina... That staff is ruining our lives..."

"That staff is what's keeping us safe..."

'I don't know how much more I can take of this..."

"The Ancient One can help us..."

"Like Jonah said he'd help us?"

"This is different..."

"How different, Tina? Where do we draw the line, Tina?"

"He came to our house, Robert,"  
Tina says. "Our house. He talked to Amy..."

"Tina, you're being paranoid...Maybe it was just...a friendly visit..."

"Are you really this...obtuse?" Tina asks. She pauses. "You think Gene and Alice's deaths were an accident?" When Robert hesitates, Tina says, "That wasn't a friendly visit, Robert. That was a warning..."  
After that argument, Tina leaves and Nico, Amy and Robert do not see her again until a few days later.

And by then, Leslie Dean had found them.


	3. Eastern Summer

Nico is lying on the grass, asleep, shadows from the trees playing on her face, bright, blue sky above, grass tickling her cheeks, her bare feet, the back of her legs, her back. She's dreaming of flying and floating and drifting away. The air is thick with heat, air buzzing with flies, stream gurgling beside her, the breeze blowing on the trees, rustling the leaves, the place peaceful. She'd fallen asleep listening to the stream and the breeze and the flies.

***

Nico is dreaming about about crows and light and smoke and mirrors and a beautiful auburn-haired woman in a cape and a dress and the dream is fading.  
She feels herself move from sleep into waking.

She feels a large shadow cover her face, senses someone standing before her. She hears voices.

"Is she dead?"

"No, her chest is moving."

"Did she pass out?"

"She's still breathing..."

"She's opening her eyes..."

"Step back..."

"Give her some room..."

Nico's eyes flicker open. She squints against the light and shadow against her eyes. She squints, shields her eyes with her hand, sees a blurry figure hovering above her, a patina of light glowing around the figure, golden hair afire, eyes ocean blue and bright, skin pale and glowing, whole figure shimmering.

She blinks. Is she still dreaming? "Who...what...?" She asks groggily, trying to avoid the glare of the light. "Are you an angel?"

She hears a giggle. "No."

She closes her eyes and opens them again, her eyes focusing more clearly. The figure becomes less blurry and it's a face, a familiar one, one she'd seen for as long as she can remember.

"...Karolina?" she asks uncertainly.  
Karolina Dean slowly grins and Nico has to squint her eyes. Karolina is Mr.and Mrs. Dean's only daughter - Mrs. Dean is friends with her mother.

She gazes at Karolina. She's beautiful in her white, lace dress, cardigan and doll shoes, long, wavy, blonde hair tied in pink ribbons, clear, blue eyes looking at her. She blinks and Nico notices her long, curly eyelashes. 

Karolina's cheeks are flushed, which makes her look like a pink faced, pretty cherub. Nico feels something strange stir at the pit of her stomach, makes her stomach churn, makes her heart flutter. 

"Nico?"

Karolina's smile is so bright now it feels like the sun coming out. "Chase thought you'd died."

Nico sits up, tries to shake off the grogginess as Karolina hunches beside her. Karolina is looking at her steadily, gaze unblinking. Karolina is looking at her so intently Nico feels shy all of a sudden and she looks away.

"Well, I'm not and Chase is an idiot," Nico mutters.

"Hey!" Another voice, boyish, hurt, comes through. 

Karolina smiles at the voice, and the boy appears behind Karolina.  
"She didn't mean it," Karolina tells the boy, Chase Stein. Chase, Mr. and Mrs. Stein's son. "She's sorry, isn't she?" She looks back at Nico with those intense blue eyes. 

Chase crosses his arms and sulks. Karolina rubs his arm and his face reddens. Nico sees something in Karolina's wrist - a silver bracelet glinting in the sun. The church bracelet. She'd seen Karolina's mom and dad and the rest of their church members wear bracelets like those. Her mother didn't think much of Karolina's parents' church but she'd have wanted to join them. She stares at the bracelet now, mesmerized by how it glints in the sun. 

And Chase. Chase is like a dog, always trailing Karolina whenever Karolina is around. It feels good to call him an idiot.

When she hears Karolina say something about saying sorry to Chase, Nico swallows and nods. 

"Sorry."

Mollified, Chase nods.  
Nico spots a bruise on Chase's neck. "What happened to your neck?"

Chase shrugs, avoids Nico's gaze. "I tripped. Little League practice."

"What...what are you guys doing here?" 

Karolina's gentle smile never leaves her face. "Mom wanted to visit you guys."

"And my mom wanted to tag along," Chase says. "I wanted to come along."

Nico nods. "Is...is Alex here?" She and Alex Wilder have spent more time than most for playdates. Mr. and Mrs. Wilder and her parents spend long hours working. Nico usually finds herself thrown in with Alex. 

When Karolina hears Alex's name, Karolina's smile slowly disappears. "Um...yeah, Alex's parents were busy? So they and Alex couldn't come. Sorry."

"And...and Gert?" Nico asks. She didn't care much about Gert either but it felt like something she should ask.

"Um..."Karolina hesitates. "They're kind of busy, too, I guess? And...and with Mr. and Mrs.Hernandez gone...and Molly being part of their family...I guess they couldn't come either."

"Oh."

"But we're here now," Chase says, cheerfully, "I get to skip summer camp, so yay!"

"What is it this time?"

Chase shrugs. "Dunno. Don't care."  
Nico rolls her eyes. As she tries to get up, Karolina and Chase get up, too. Karolina holds out a hand to help her get up. Nico takes her hand without thinking and immediately feels a surge of warmth course through her veins. It feels a bit like being electrified and so she draws her hand back. Karolina is as surprised as she is, blue eyes darting from her hand to Nico's eyes.

"Sorry," Nico mutters.

"It's...it's okay," Karolina says, staring at her hand. She looks at her hand one last time before she looks at Nico. "Wanna show us around?"

"After feeding us first?" Chase interjects. "I'm kind of hungry."  
Karolina rolls her eyes. "You're always hungry."

Nico nods. "C'mon. We have food at the house."

***

Karolina Dean remembers that summer when they are six years old. Her mother had brought her and Chase and Mrs. Stein to Tokyo with her to visit Mr.and Mrs. minoru and their daughter, Nico. She remembers that it is mid-summer, and they'd arrived at the Minorus' house. Mrs. Minoru isn't there, only Mr. Minoru. Mr. Minoru doesn't know where Mrs.Minoru is. The adults had sent Karolina and Chase to go searching for Nico.  
It had been mid-afternoon. The light is unique, Karolina remembers, shimmery and green like ocean glass. She and Chase had gone through the backyard and beyond, through the trees, enjoying the breeze blowing through her hair, followed the sound of the stream. 

They find Nico napping near the stream and Karolina remembers how pretty Nico looks, sleeping on her back. She squats beside her then, staring at Nico for a while until Nico wakes up, feels the beginning of something unnameable bloom in her chest.

***

"You cut your hair,"Karolina comments, looking at Nico's hair. It had been cut short, like a page boy, and Nico and her mother had argued for hours about it.  
Nico runs a hand on her hair. 

"Yeah."

Karolina thinks about it for a while before she nods and says, "I like it."

"Yeah?"

Karolina nods. "I'm thinking of cutting my hair, too."

Nico knits her eyebrows. "What? Why?"

Karolina shrugs. "Dunno. Wanna do something different, I guess."

Nico turns to her. "Well, don't...it's nice as it is."

"Yeah?"

Nico smiles. "Yeah. I like it just the way it is."

Karolina slowly smiles. "Okay."

Chase comes up from behind. "So, what do you think?” 

Nico turns. "About what?"

Chase says, “Well, are you a Gryffindor, a Ravenclaw, a Slytherin, or a Hufflepuff?”

“I think I'm a Gryffindor,” Karolina says with a smile, “'Cause I'm brave and stuff.”

Nico turns to her. "Yeah, I could see that."

Chase rolls his eyes and makes a face. "Everyone wants to be a Gryffindor."

Karolina ays, “Fine, what am I?”

Chase tilts his head and says, “A Hufflepuff. Definitely a Hufflepuff.”

It's Karolina's turn to make a face. “Nobody wants to be a Hufflepuff.”

"Everyone wants to be a Hufflepuff,” Chase argues.

“Then you be a Hufflepuff.”

Chase huffs. “No way. I'm a Ravenclaw.”

Karolina snorts. “Yeah, 'cause you're a real smartypants.”

This sets off another round of arguing. After watching them argue back and forth,Nico speaks up and says, “I think I'm a Slytherin.”

Both Karolina and Chase stop and stare at her. 

“What? Slytherin?” Chase asks, confused, as if he cannot believe her ears. He shudders. “You can't be a Slytherin.”

Nico looks at him defiantly. “Why not?” she asks evenly.

Chase replies, “Nobody wants to be a Slytherin. That's scary.” 

Nico shrugs. “Who cares? I can be whoever I want to be. And I want to be a Slytherin. Besides, I think Slytherin is cool. Plus they can speak snake and stuff, so.”

Karolina looks at her and grins. Nico grins back at her.

"Yeah, I can totally see that."

Nico feels her heart smile at that. A cold breeze blows and Nico shivers. Karolina notices and removes her cardigan.and hands it to Nico.

"You're cold. Here, take this," she says before turning and heading to Nico's parents' house.

"Thanks,"Nico says as she puts Karolina's cardigan on.

***

"...We've talked about this, Leslie," Nico could hear her mother. She's back, Nico thinks with excitement. Something tells her though that the adults are having one of their endless talks, so she stops Chase and Karolina, hand lingering on Karolina's arm.

"What's going on?" Karolina whispers near Nico's ear. Nico shivers, from what, she doesn't know.

Nico puts a finger to her lips and shakes her head. Karolina shuts her mouth. Chase nods.  
They lean by the glass doors leading to the back kitchen, where it gives them a view of their parents arguing.

"We're not going back, Leslie, and that's final," Tina Minoru says, eyes fierce and defiant as she glares at Leslie Dean, Karolina's mom. "I need to take care of my mother."

"You haven't talked to your mother in years,"Leslie says. "And with your money, you could have just hired someone to take care of her."

"She's my mother," Tina says. "You don't understand the kind of karmic hell an Asian daughter has to go through for refusing to take care of her mother."

"Nevertheless. After the funeral, it would seem as if you're running away, Tina..."

Nico looks at Karolina then. Karolina looks back, equally as puzzled. They'd rarely seen their parents argue but Nico knows that look - that barely controlled rage, she'd seen that look on her mother's face before, usually directed at her. Tina had spent hours with Nico at the piano. Nico had not been interested in learning the piano like Amy, who is a prodigy at everything - music, math, tech - and Nico had exagerrated her lack of interest by scratching her back, adjusting the bench, taking her time finding her fingering. Nico had taken a long time just learning "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star", and had hated practicing the piece several times. Often, Tina had ended up having to leave the room in a rage and Nico would begin to cry. At this point, and a lot of arguing between Tina and Robert, Tina had stopped teaching Nico how to play the piano. Sometimes, Nico misses her mother teaching her.

"How long do you think it will take before Jonah comes here?"

Tina closes her eyes, takes a deep breath. "You don't understand..."

"Maybe I don't, but I do understand it's dangerous for you to turn your back on us. On Pride."

"He came to our house, Leslie, he was with Amy," Tina says between gritted teeth. "I can't let anything happen to them."

"Why? Why now?"

"I have more to lose now," Tina says. "I can't risk losing them..."

"Everyone has a lot to lose. I have a daughter myself, Tina...If you're thinking about the Hernandezes..."

"It's not just about that and you know it," Tina says.

Leslie Dean had walked up to Tina Minoru then. "You can't just leave Wizard, not when we're this close to our goals."

"How many more need to be sacrificed for our goals, Leslie?"

"You can't run away from who you are, Tina." Leslie pauses, then continues, "Or what you've done. What we've all done."

Tina's rage flares on her face. "I can and I will."

Leslie stops, hesitates. "Tina...the more you try to resist, the more you put everyone, including our kids, in danger. As long as we just do whatever he says, we'll be safe. Our kids will be safe."

Tina is silent, does not respond to Leslie. Nico could see Tina's eyes well with unshed tears. At that moment, Nico feels like running to her mother and hugging her. She's never seen her mother look this vulnerable. Or afraid. Then, Tina slowly nods.

"Fine. But you need to leave," Tina says.

"Alright."

"And take Stein with you," Tina says,distaste clear on her face.

Leslie nods. "But we have some business to take care of first. Pride business, in the city. Hope you don't mind, but we'd like to see a bit of Tokyo while we're here."  
Nico looks at Karolina then and nods, makes as much noise as possible to alert their parents that they have arrived. 

Their parents look at them, momentarily surprised, before they smile and pretend like nothing has happened.

***

Leslie Dean and Janet Stein stay for a few more days, both of them overseeing some business with their Tokyo offices, taking Chase with them. Karolina had asked to stay with Nico while they did their business transactions, to which Leslie reluctantly agrees to.

Karolina becomes Nico's friend that summer. Before that time, they were just two kids whose parents happened to know each other, or run into each other at PTA meetings or at family or church events or charity events.

Nico and Karolina would skip down a small path that winds down round green hills whose firm margins cut across each other like the curves of a simple design. They turn a corner and from behind this, they see hills and mountains, cold and intractable against a brilliant sky, surrounded by trees. 

Sometimes, they would hang out in Nico's room, watching Bleach or Blood + or Naruto, or any number of Miyazaki films, Nico patiently translating for Karolina. Nico would teach her some useful Japanese phrases and laugh as Karolina tries to say the words.Sometimes, Robert brings Karolina and Nico and Amy around Tokyo, taking them around popular places, letting them eat sushi and ramen and maki and Sukiyaki, hanging out with cosplayers or hanging out at the park. Sometimes, he'd take them to shrines and temples and castles, or museums or the occassional Kabuki, which neither Karolina or Nico fully understand but still enjoy. But what Nico enjoys is the all-female theater where all the male and female characters are playes by women. She thinks they look very cool and very bad ass, especially the ladies playing the guys, but she'd never let anyone know that. She feels like she"s not supposed to.

Sometimes, Karolina accompanies Nico to her grandmother. The first time they do, Nico introduces Karolina o her. 

Nico's grandmother smiles by way of greeting, and says, “How do you like Japan so far?”

Karolina smiles. "It's fantastic."

“And how old are you?”

“Six,” Karolina replies automatically. “And a half.”

Nico's grandmother keeps smiling. “Do you want me to tell you a story?” 

Karolina nods, in awe of Nico's grandmother. 

Nico's grandmother nods, smooths down her quilt and with one hand, shows Karolina the figure of the sun sown on a background of blue sky. She tells her a story.  
“The sun was very lonely because she was the only living thing in the whole wide world. She sat there brooding and feeling sorry for herself. Yes, she sat there feeling sorry for herself. A big tear rolled out of her eye and dropped on the ground. It rolled on and on down the hill, gathering dust until it hit a boulder and divided into many tears that became children as they rolled. They were Children of the Tear. They lived in peace in a dust bowl and did not have any need for food, clothing, or labor. Then one day the Sun farted.” Here Nico's grandmother stops as Karolina lets out a laugh. Nico just looks at Karolina, smiles. Karolina is pretty when she smiles, Nico thinks. Nico's grandmother continues. “Instead of the bad wind coming out, a dragon and Divided came out. The dragon was a long-necked fire breathing animal from the old continent, whereas Divided was a creature with the head and torso of a man and the body of a lion...”  
Nico's grandmother pauses and Karolina looks at her with her sharp blue eyes. “Then what happened?”

Nico's grandmother smiles. “What do you think happened?”

Karolina shrugs. “I don't know.”

“You don't know?”

Karolina nods. 

Nico's grandmother coughs and takes a deep breath and Karolina watches her carefully before she says, “But...what about light? And the church? The Gibborim?"

Nico's grandmother grimaces slightly.“It was before... there was nobody...before churches...before everything else...before mountains and trees and rivers...”

Karolina considers this for a second, wondering about what Nico's grandmother has said. Then Nico's grandmother says, “Now, tell me a story.”

Karolina shakes her head. “I don't have any.”

“Well, when you come back next time, tell me a story, then.”

Karolina nods. “Okay.”

Later that night, Nico dreams of dragons and angels and wonder what they mean.

***

Nico takes her to the grounds behind the house, by the stream, the one she explores when she's alone, and they sit under a shade in silence, listening to the birds and the breeze and the sound od their own breathing.

"My grandmother's dying, isn't she?" Nico says then.

Karolina doesn't speak, stays silent.

"I can feel it," Nico continues.  
Karolina doesn't know what to say, so she only puts her arm around Nico and holds her in silence, both of them watching the sun set over the horizon.

***

Late that afternoon, when she gets home and passes by her grandmother's room, her grandmother calls her out.  
Curious, she goes into her grandmother's room. Inside, she sees her grandmother, lying on her bed, snowy white hair spread out on the pillow, frail, thin body covered in a thick quilt, the curtains drawn aside to let the late afternoon sun in. 

“Come closer, child,” her grandmother whispers.  
When she does so, her grandmother smiles and says, “Read to me, child.”

Her grandmother motions to the thick black book on the bedside table.Nico reaches for it and opens it to the first page. 

“Next time you can read to me whatever you like,” her grandmother tells her before she settles back on her pillow and listens to Nico reading until she falls asleep. 

***

Sometimes, in the temple, or at home, before she sleeps, she puts her hands together and prays. She thinks maybe if she closes her eyes and prays hard enough, maybe her grandmother won't die. Maybe this might even be a dream. Maybe if she prays hard enough whatever problems her mom and dad are going through will be fine and everything will be right as rain. Then they can go back to America and she can see her friends and her parents can take her on trips again. Once, she sees a shooting star, she makes a wish, just like Karolina told her, for everything to get better, but nothing happens. 

She thinks it's her fault. Maybe she's too much trouble. Maybe it's because her daddy and mommy are working so hard for them.  
She wants to ask her mom what's going on, but she's afraid. She's afraid that it may be true. She doesn't know if she can handle the truth. She tries to push it down, tries to forget about it, to ignore it, plays with Karolina or goes around the house or sits under a shade by the stream reading. She thinks maybe if she ignores it will go away. 

***

A couple of months later, towards the end of summer, her grandmother's illness worsens.  
She isn't allowed now to visit her grandmother, but once, she passes by her room and sees her and her grandmother beckons to her.  
She goes to her, sits beside her. Her grandmother smiles at her, eyes clear and glassy. She grimaces in pain, reaches out to Nico with her gnarled, veined hands.

She swallows and says, "Don't be sad, Nico."

Nico only looks at her, unable to understand what she is saying. "Grandma...what are you saying?"  
"I know you don't understand but," and here Nico's grandmother grips her hand. "I sense so much power in you...so much potential..."

Nico just looks at her, uncomprehending.

"You have a destiny to fulfill, but... there's so much potential for darkness in you, too," her grandmother says. She then pulls Nico closer. "Whatever you do, don't give in to the dark side...always follow the light...always..."

Even though Nico doesn't understand, she slowly nods. "Okay, grandma..."

Her grandmother nods, seemingly satisfied with her response. She then continues, "Take care of your sister and parents for me, especially your mother. She's very strong, your mother. But even mothers need help sometimes."

Nico nods then. There's a sense then of something ending, although at that time, she could not fully understand.

Her grandmother relaxes, slowly leaning back, releasing Nico's hand. "That...that girl, Karolina...she seems nice..."

Nico swallows, nods. "Yeah. She went home with her mom."

"I like her," her grandmother says. Then she smiles. "I will miss you, granddaughter." She coughs. "I wish we had more time..."

Nico feels her eyes well up, wipes her eyes with the back of her hand.  
"Don't be afraid, Nico, death is not the end. It is only the beginning."  
Nico nods.

"I love you, granddaughter," her grandmother. "I will see you again."

"I love you, too, grandma," Nico whispers.

Nico watches as her grandmother slowly closes her eyes. She stays beside her grandmother where her mother and father find her.

***

Nico and her parents bury her grandmother before the summer ends. 

Nico cries at the funeral. Her mother and father stand beside her, silent and stoic. She watches as something changes in her mother, as her eyes harden, and a cold, determined look takes over.  
She knows something has changed. She knows things will never be the same again.

Later, much, much later, she realizes things have never been the same for a long time.


	4. Death and a Funeral

The funeral is somber and serious and cold and cloudy and Nico remembers her father putting his hand on her shoulder, keeping her by his side, but Nico still feels cold and alone and lonely. There are a number of people in black suits all around them, all serious like her father and mother. Amy is crying. Nico wants to cry, too but she can't seem to. But she knows her grandmother is gone forever and despite her telling Nico death is not the end, it actually feels like it is.

Nico watches everyone stand around the casket as it is slowly lowered into the ground. Everyone is wearing black. Her mother is wearing a black business suit, a hat, and a veil to cover her face. Nico is wearing a dress that is one size too small for her, with ruffles and lace and a material that makes her skin itch. The material is hot and uncomfortable and itchy and she has the urge to scratch at what she is wearing. She and her mother had had a fight earlier over the choice of clothes for Nico and it ended with a heated exchange between them, much shouting and a threat to ground Nico for the rest of the summer and Nico sulking and fidgeting for the rest of the ride to the funeral. She is angry and annoyed. Amy takes one look at her face and only nods, giving her a grim smile. Amy already knows better than to say anything.  
There are flowers and a large, framed portrait of her grandmother, just in front of the casket. Chairs are arranged around the casket, all the mourners in black and quietly listening to the minister. Everyone, including her mother, is somber and serious. She does not recognize the people at the funeral except for one, a man, tall, imposing, eyes hard and cold and empty. Her mother's eyes had changed when she sees the man, sees a fear pass over them, before they return being emotionless again and watching her mother standing strong, impassive, Nico suddenly feels the urge to comfort her, but somehow senses this is not their way. She decides she's going to be strong too, strong for her mother and for herself. The minister delivers a eulogy that describes her grandmother as a pillar of the community, somebody warm and kind and loving and who helped build their company with her husband. The minister probably has said other things as well, but she doesn't catch all of it. In fact, she barely understands all of it. There are lines about coming from dust and “unto dust we shall return” and she remembers she used to read the Bible to her grandmother and her grandmother would patiently help her pronounce words when she struggled with them. The sun shines above them and she sees the light on her skin, imagines that she can see the bones beneath her flesh. Chase Stein claimed he had a toy pair of X-ray specs and claimed he could see beneath her skin with it. She'd glared at him, grabbed the X-ray specs, wore it and realized he was lying. Chase later swears he will invent real X-ray specs and "Fistigons!" which he says he doesn't know what it will be about yet but also swears to invent. 

She wonders if her grandmother can still feel the sun in her casket. She imagines it is cold inside the casket. She imagines herself inside the casket and shudders. She imagines being buried beneath the earth and shudders some more. She wonders about ghosts. If dead people can really come back as ghosts. And then she wonders about death. Her mother tells her everybody dies, that it was time for her grandmother to die, that they just needed to accept it and move on, but her mother looked like she couldn't accept this fact. She wonders what happens after death. Where do people go, after they die? Is there really a heaven, a hell and a purgatory? Would she really go to heaven if she's really, really good? Would she go to hell if she's really, really bad? Would she be re-born instead? Or would therr be just nothingness? She thinks it's hard to be good. But she hopes she can still go to heaven. She wonders about living forever, whether people can live forever and she wishes she could find some kind of cure so people like herself and her mother, could live forever. She thinks it might be nice to live forever. To be an immortal. She stares at the casket and wonders if her grandma is dust now. She looks at the ground and stares at it, and wonders how someone with skin and bones and hair and nails and clothes could turn to the ground beneath her feet. It seems strange somehow, to think of someone as dust now. She wonders if some day, when her daddy and mommy die, they will turn to dust too. She realizes maybe someday she will be dust herself. Everyone reduced to dust. Dust. Maybe that is all everyone is. Just dust. In the end.  
She looks up at the sky, and feels a bit dizzy, looking up at the nothingness of the gray, cloudy sky. We are dust, she thinks. Placed against the vastness of a big blue sky, we are only dust. Tiny and completely unimportant. Nothing. 

She doesn't say anything, or even cry, during the ceremony, until the silence is broken and people are getting up and speaking and her mother gently nudges her and softly tells her it's time to go home.  
Nico suddenly feels very tired.  
As she follows everyone down the road, it starts to rain, a light one first then a heavy downpour and she tries not to stumble and fidget as she does so, her mother holding her hand firmly, as her mother accepts the condolences with a murmur of thanks. 

***

That day feels like the end of something.

That summer feels like the end of something.

Later at home, after the funeral, they light incense sticks and kneel and put their hands together and close their eyes and bow to a figure of a Buddha and Nico feels a bit of comfort in that.

When the ritual is ended, Nico goes to her room and lies on her bed, shoes still on. Her mother will scold her for keeping her shoes on inside the house, finds it barbaric for the white people to go around their house in their shoes, feels like it is a bit disrespectful but Nico is tired and sleepy and alone and she thinks the scolding will be worth it. She falls asleep then.

***

Nico wakes up from a dream about her grandmother in her casket, the sun shining in the sky, her grandmother rising from beneath the ground as a spirit, turning to dust and she wakes up sweating and breathing heavily and afraid. At first she doesn't know where she is, but then as she takes heavy breaths, she realizes she is home and it is alright. She looks around. Everything looks the same. But she knows it's not really the same at all. Outside her room she can hear the sound of voices, of tinkling silverware, of footsteps.  
Her mother comes in then, and Nico braces herself for the scolding. But her mother doesn't say anything, only comes to her bed, sits down beside her. Nico feels the bed dip. Her mother is silent for while, before she reaches out for Nico's shoes and slowly removes them from her feet, gently chiding her for jumping into bed with them on. She mutters a "Gomenasai" without thinking and realizes she's just apologized in Japanese. She opens her eyes and the hint of a smile is on Tina Minoru's face.

"Your Japanese is improving," Tina murmurs, which makes Nico smile inside. Tina rarely praises her and so to hear her praise her now is a big deal.

They sit in silence for while before Tina gently says, "Are you okay?"

Nico slowly nods.

"We're going back home, Nico. Your father will take you home. I will follow after."

"Where are you going, mommy?"

Tina shakes her head. "It's a work thing. Mommy has to take care of something."

"Can I come?"

Tina shakes her head again. "I don't think so, Nico. Maybe some day, you can..."

Nico slowly nods. Then an idea comes to her. "Are you in trouble? Are we in trouble? Is that why Mrs. Dean and Mrs.Stein were here?"

A shadow passes over Tina's face. She shakes her head. "No. It's nothing like that..."

"Are you and dad going to divorce?"

This takes Tina by surprise. "Nico, no. We're not."

"Oh...it's just...at school...the other kids say...it starts with a lot of little stuff..."

Tina looks at her, mildly amused. It strikes Tina now how precocious Nico is. She's always known Nico was different. Even when she was born, she'd sensed this. Her pregnancy, her birth had been difficult, where her pregnancy with Amy had been easy. In fact, there'd been a time at the hospital when the doctors thought Tina would lose Nico. But Nico had been a stubborn baby, a tenacious baby, determined to live, defiant in birth as in anything else. Nico had always been a difficult baby, kept her and Robert up all hours of the day and night, crying and closing her fists and flailing about until they'd fed her or changed her diapers. She'd always been a cantankerous, temperamental child, nothing like Amy, who had been a quiet baby and a quiet toddler and now, a quiet pre-teen. She'd been sickly, too, and there had been a number of trips to the emergency room where Tina had scrambled and struggled to pray to all the gods to spare her child, to give this child a chance at life, at happiness, at something infinitely better than what she and Robert had.

In some ways, looking at Nico now, Tina is reminded about what Robert has said about Nico: how much like Tina Nico is. This makes Tina swell with pride and love, but also dread and anxiety. Because if they are more alike than they realize, does that mean they have the same doomed fate? Does that mean Nico is condemned to the kind of life Tina has chosen for herself? 

Tina doesn't want to think about it. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She runs a hand on Nico's hair, rubs Nico's cheek and says, "Listen to me, Nico. You don't need to worry about anything. Daddy and I love each other very much. Your dad and I are just...taking care of things. Whatever happens, know that we love you and your sister very, very much and we won't let anything happen to you." Tina smiles through the unshed tears shining in her eyes. "And we would give anything, even our very lives, to keep you safe, okay?"

Nico nods. Tina leans over and kisses her on the head. "You're a brave, brave little girl, Nico," Tina says then. "Now go to sleep. You have a long trip ahead of you."

***

September comes and with it she has to go to school, to Atlas Academy.  
Her first day does not go as planned. 

First of all, Nico doesn't like her uniform. It's itchy and tight and she hates that she has to wear a skirt and blazer with the academy logo on it and she has to wear knee high socks and tight, tight leather shoes that pinch at her feet and scratch her ankles. She wants to wear her favorite shirt, but it's not clean and it's in the laundry and all her other shirts are not good and she ends up with a purple shirt she hates (“It's lavender, not purple!” her mother says impatiently as she tugs at the shirt over Nico's head) and pants. Her shoes are the wrong color, the wrong make and the wrong style and she doesn't like her bag and she hates school.  
Her mother had sighed then. “Nico, please can you just...please give me a break?”

Nico makes a face and sulks all the way to the school. 

The only good thing about school is that there are familiar faces in the classroom - Chase Stein, Karolina Dean, Alex Wilder and Gertrude Yorkes, kids of her parents' friends at Pride and she can sit beside the Karolina as the teacher, a middle-aged lady that smells of sun and earth named Mrs. Sawyer makes everyone, including Nico, do something that will make Nico hate her for the rest of grade school. She makes Nico introduce herself before the class, which makes the other kids raise a lot of questions that make her hate Atlas even more. The kids ask her a lot of stupid questions and she makes a face, folds her arms in front of her and refuses to answer.  
By the end of the questions, Nico's face has turned bright red from a mixture of irritation, anger and embarrassment, more so because her teacher barely says anything, but Karolina is right there and gives her an encouraging smile.  
When the class is over, Karolina comes to her, taps her on the shoulder and thrusts something towards her, clutched in her. 

“I'm sorry you lost your grandmother,” Karolina says carefully. 

She opens her hand. Nico looks and it is a bracelet. There is nothing special with it, just a simple bracelet like the kind you could buy at the mall.  
As Nico carefully takes the bracelet from Karolina's hand, Karolina says, “I have a grandmother...and she's still alive...and I thought maybe you could use something...”

Nico stares at the bracelet.  
Karolina is speaking again, but she doesn't hear her. She doesn't know why this girl would give her a bracelet, when Nico's grandmother is dead and her grandmother is alive and her mother is sad and her parents are having a hard time and Karolina just stands there, looking clueless and pretty and Nico just hates her, hates her with all her heart. And she stands there and she realizes she doesn't want Karolina's pity or her bracelet or her words, and she shoves the bracelet back at the girl and says, “Thanks, but no thanks. I don't need that.”

And she turns and walks toward the next class, not bothering to say goodbye to Karolina.

She feels a guilty at the look of confusion and hurt on Karolina's face, standing there holding the bracelet in her hand, ocean blue eyes forlorn, face crestfallen and sad. Nico doesn't understand why she feels this way and doesn't want to know why.

Later though, during lunch at the cafeteria, Karolina, Alex, Chase and Gert join her for lunch and each one offers her a paper bag.

"My mom says I should give you this. Chicken pot pie. She made it. From scratch."

"Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. My mom makes the best."

"Tater tots. It's my favorite."

Karolina sits beside her then, smiling at her. "You shouldn't be alone right now," Karolina smiles. 

"Karolina..." Nico begins, exasperated.

Chase sits beside her. "Give us a chance. We'll grow on you..."

Nico wants to say something more but there is an odd comfort in having them around her. She notices a bruise beneath Chase's eye and she asks, "What happened to your eye?" Chase shrugs, refusing to look at her. "I fell.' Nico wants to ask some more but Chase doesn't seem interested in talking so she sighs, opens one paperbag and makes a face. 

"This looks gross," she announces.

"To be fair, my mom's a brilliant bioengineer, not a cook," Gert says defensively.

Karolina grins. Nico just shakes her head and digs into the food. 

Later, before lunch ends, Nico apologizes to Karolina. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be a jerk earlier."

Karolina only shrugs. "It's okay. You're hurting. Mom says it's like that and I have to understand it, so."

She smiles at Nico then and Nico feels like she would burst. Then Karolina hands Nico a piece of paper then and says, shyly, at first, "Your grandmother told me to tell her a story, but she's gone now but I thought maybe you could use a story, too. My mom says stories can be powerful and awesome and maybe this can make you feel better..." Karolina nods once before she walks away. That night, Nico unfolds the piece of paper and reads Karolina's story. In her careful, childish handwriting, she writes about a great love story that spans the universe, of destinies entwined and of a love that's greater than anything and though Nico doesn't understand some of it, she finds a strange comfort in Karolina's story and she finds herself crying for the hurt and pain and loss. 

***

The first few months at Atlas Academy are mundane and boring.  
School is fine. Nico likes school. School makes sense for Nico. Science makes sense. Math makes sense. English makes sense. Music makes sense. She gets good grades but she still feels unhappy. The days seem to stretch forever, and she feels like a trapped animal in a place where she doesn't belong. 

The one thing she doesn't like about school is presentations or “show-and-tell”. There was a take-your-pet-to-school-day for “show-and-tell” and the other kids brought their pets. Chase brings his hamster, Alex his white rat, Gert brings her rabbit. A girl brings her pet turtle and she set it on the floor and spent ages trying to make it move. One boy brings his tarantula and it escapes its glass box and they spend hours trying to look for it, with the teacher screaming, “Children! Don't panic!” as the other kids climb over tables and chairs and shelves as the boy tries to look for it. Nico doesn't have any pet at home because her mother refuses to buy her a snake so she talks about the horse her father bought for her,, a beautiful little horse that she would ride for hours alongside her father. 

During presentation day on “United Nations Day”, everyone is asked to talk about their hometown, or in Nico's case, her home country, and as she talked about Japan and its people and its animals and its food and its drinks, she finds herself almost crying.

Once, at lunch, sitting under a tree eating some maki with her chopsticks, a couple of boys come and tease her, pulling at her hair but suddenly Karolina and Alex are there, standing beside her. When the boys turn to tease Karolina, Karolina kicks one of the boys between the legs and Alex punches the other on the face.

Their parents are promptly called to the school and Nico, Karolina and Alex brace themselves for the severe talking to they would hear from their parents.

As they sit in the principal's office and listen to the principal talk about how there is a strict zero tolerance policy for bullying and violence, Nico sits there, growing irritated and agitated. She refuses to make eye contact with her mother, who, judging by her clenched fists and the growing rage in her eyes, is none too happy about what has happened.  
Finally, Tina says to the principal, "Would you excuse us please? We'd like to talk to our children."  
The principal nods.

After the principal leaves, Tina turns Nico and glares, "What on earth were you thinking?"

Nico glares back defiantly. "I didn't do anything."

"Mrs. Minoru, it was my fault, I was the one who hit John,"Alex Wilder says, pushing up his thick glasses up his nose.

"Alex!" Catherine Catherine Wilder says. "We raised you better than this!"

"Did the other kid at least look worse?" Geoffrey Wilder asks.

Alex nods, trying not to grin.  
Geoffrey Wilder smiles. "That's my boy," he says. When he sees his wife, Catherine Wilder glare at him, Geoffrey Wilder's smile disappears and he says, "But violence is wrong, okay? It's never the answer."

"That's a little rich coming from you," Tina Minoru says.

Geoffrey Wilder looks at her. "Speak for yourself."

Tina turns to Nico. "But he'd right, you shouldn't have hit that boy."

"That's what I'm trying to tell you, I didn't.." Nico tries to say.

"I started it. I kicked the boy in the 'nads,"Karolina says proudly.

Geoffrey, Catherine and Tina's raised eyebrows are epic. Perfect little Karolina Dean getting into a fight. Leslie Dean looks positively horrified.

"Karolina Dean!" Leslie says, face burning red with embarassment. "We do not kick people between their legs!"

"You only said don't kick people when they're down," Karolina says.

Leslie glares at her. "Young lady, you're in so much trouble right now..."

"But he called Nico...something I can't...say right now!" Karolina cries.

"And he called Mrs. Minoru a witch," Alex adds. "Well, he said, Mrs. Minoru is an old, sad hag, but..."

"He what?" Tina asks, fists re-clenching.

Alex nods solemnly. "Yeah. He couldn't even insult her right...!"

Tina swallows the anger down then and Leslie puts a hand on her arm, shakes her head. "No, Tina. Let me handle this..."

Leslie Dean talks to the principal and a few days later, the two boys are gone.

***

The incident forges a camarederie and deeper friendship with Nico, Karolina and Alex, and since Chase and Gert are also always around, they hang out with them, too. Sometimes they eat lunch together or hang out for playdates when their parents meet up or when they don't have after school classes. And sometimes Amy hangs out with them, too.  
The boys - Chase and Alex - would play Wii in the living room or play on their phones or iPads, whilst Gert would sulk and curl up with a book and Nico and Karolina would curl up in one corner of the couch watching Tottoro on Nico's ipad.

***

It is about this time that Tina Minoru ditches the music lessons for Nico and enrolls her in martial arts lessons instead with Mr. Tanaka. "Because if you're going to fight, you might as well know how to." Robert had agreed then. They both believed their kids needed to know how to defend themselves. So three times a week, and on weekends, Nico goes to Mr. Tanaka to learn how to fight.  
"Some day, Nico, you might find yourself in a fight," Tina explains. "And when that day comes, I'd like you to be ready. There's a storm coming, Nico...I want you to be prepared for it."

Nico had nodded, wondering what her mother is talking about but then they hear about a missing teenaged girl on the news and Nico thinks maybe this is why.

In the next few years, teenage girls keep disappearing, never to be found again. Nico thinks nothing of it until she grows older.


	5. Seasons

Nico Minoru likes karate.

She is surprised by this.

She likes Mr. Tanaka, a short, old man with puffy, white hair like cotton candy, a small moustache just above his upper lip, round glasses on his sharp, clear eyes. He rarely smiled, always wore his white uniform with the black belt, and stood, unsmiling, hands clasped behind his back, watching with eagle eyes as his young students stood in a line in his small studio, barefeet planted firmly on the mat.

Nico likes the white uniform, kept clean and crisp and white by the housekeeper. She likes putting the top and pants on, likes tying the belt around her waist.

She likes being driven to the studio by her father, when he has time, which he rarely does, or her mother, who has lesser time for her. This is the time when her parents are working for a big project in their company, but then again they always have a big project for Wizard. She knows they head the company, the housekeeper, Fran, a kind Jewish woman and people around her have told her time and time again how important the work they're doing is to people, but for Nico's young mind, she doesn't find it nearly as important, because it kept her parents away from her. Often times she arrives to an empty house, has dinner with Amy, wakes up to Amy and the nanny and housekeeper, has breakfast with Amy, driven to school by their driver and the cycle goes on and on. 

If not for school and lunch with Amy, Alex, Karolina, Gert and Chase - which she's began to look forward to, she wouldn't have noticed how absent her parents were, but she doesn't, not until she's older anyway. The music lessons have ceased, but she still has Japanese language and calligraphy lessons and karate so she is fine. 

She grows closer to Amy. Older and more accomplished, popular and loved by teachers and students alike, a competitive, straight A-student who joins such events as spelling bees and math contests and tech exhibits, Amy is poised to be her parents' successor at Wizard. Young Nico doesn't realize this at the time, but she notices how her father always tries to spend time with Amy and teach her or discuss things with her about Wizard projects at the dinner table when they have time as a family. Her mom, ever unsmiling and severe, would only listen, half paying attention to Amy and Robert as she scolds Nico about her use of chopsticks, chiding her for leaving the chopsticks upright or reminding her to eat her vegetables or miso soup. 

"It's disgusting," Nico would say of the vegetables to which Tina Minoru would glare with such intensity Nico ends up eating them anyway.

But even as they argue, Nico would catch a hint of a smile as she listens to Amy talk about a design or a project she's working on. Nico loves Amy and she knows her older sister is super smart but she wishes sometimes her mother smiled at Nico the way she smiled at whatever Amy has to say.  
But Amy, Amy knows she isn't nearly as super smart as their mother. Brilliant, innovative, creative, Tina Minoru had led the start-up tech company, Wizard into cutting edge software and hardware technology in the areas of operating systems, data and cloud computing, artificial intelligence, and smart phone communications, having positioned Wizard as the smarter, safer, more secure choice against leading tech companies. Amy knows this because she's seen their mother in the covers of Wired, PCMag, New Yorker, Forbes and even Time Magazine. There'd been journalists interviewing her at the house, or at th office, Fran letting the children stay inside their rooms as Tina talked about her plans for Wizard. Tina had been named as one of the "30 under 30 Leading the World", and had won numerous awards. Her philanthrophy, as with the rest of the PRIDE parents, had also been featured in countless articles. Tina's biography had stayed at the New York Times bestseller list for weeks. That Tina Minoru is a successful Asian American, an Asian minority historically and traditionally marginalized, had not escaped the notice of media as well and Asian American associations constantly commended her for blazing a trail for other Asian Americans. Most of this information Amy would read about or hear about from teachers, her parents' friends (Leslie Dean, Karolina Dean's mother, had once told her, "Your mother is a brilliant woman, Amy, you must be so proud of her," whilst Frank Dean had said, "She's leading us into the future."), her classmates and friends. Alex seems to be Tina Minoru's number one fan, having mentioned more than once, with awe in his voice, how much he admired her mother. "She's kind of awesome," Alex had once whispered in a reverential tone, young eyes looking up at Tina Minoru with awe, and Chase Stein would agree by saying, "...Yeah, pretty bad ass!" Karolina would smile and say, "You're lucky to have her as your mother...and she's so gorgeous!" And Amy would smile and nod her embarassed thanks because Tina Minoru is this different woman to other people whilst she's just this cold, detached person at home. Oh, she's brilliant, Amy would agree with that. In the few times they've tried to spend time together, Tina Minoru would beat her at chess, Chinese checkers, shogi and go. Amy would watch Tina's face as she studied the chess or checkers or go pieces, face betraying no emotion, and Amy could almost see her brain ticking, making calculations, as she moves the pieces around the board and proceeds to beat Amy in three moves or less. When she'd had a particularly hard math homework or science project, Tina would inevitably solve it, looking at Amy in exasperation and impatience as she asks, "How can you not know?" Amy knows of course that what Tina is really saying is how stupid she is for not knowing.

Grades were another sore subject for Amy. Tina expected nothing but As from her. A B+ is unacceptable, as when she'd gotten one in English, and another in science and Tina had scolded her for it.  
Nico would not experience this until she is older but she senses that Amy is expected to be a really good student.

***

Amy adores Nico, she knows this. Amy waits for her when school is out and gives her a hug each time she sees her. She always makes sure Nico has eaten breakfast or has had lunch or has done her homework. When she doesn't understand a particular lesson, Amy teaches her, patiently explaining math problems to her or science problems.

"But I don't understand why I have to find out how many marbles are left if the boy has fifty and his friends took thirty nine and stuff," Nico would whine, pudgy fingers clutching at her yellow pencil as Amy, slouched beside her, would sigh and explain again.

It is Amy who teaches her how to write her alphabet, how to write her name, in both English and Kanji, patiently teaching her how to use the pencil or paintbrush just so so she can write her name properly.  
It is Amy who makes her peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, sneaks her cookies and Yakult at night when she knows their mother and housekeeper have banned it and lets her watch "Battle Royale" on her laptop even though she's not allowed to watch it on account of all the violence and Amy has to cover Nico's eyes for the gory bits and Nico has nightmares after and Amy has to sleep beside Nico for a while.It is Amy who develops Nico's taste in anime and manga and who teaches her how to cosplay - which becomes an annual tradition with them every Halloween. With a housekeeper or nanny or two, Amy and Nico would be chaperoned around the Brentwood neighborhood, trick or treating during Halloween, Nico dressed as Sailor Moon and Amy similarly dressed, or Nico dressed as Haruhi Suzumiya and Amy dressed as the robot, or Nico dressed as Goku, Amy as Son Goku, Nico as Naruto Uzumaki, Amy as her sidekick and once, Nico as Samurai X and Amy as one her nemesis.

Amy would patiently look for costumes with Nico, scour Chinatown or the flea market or look for cloth and make their housekeeper, Fran, sew it for them. Once that's done, Amy sits Nico down and with the help of Fran the housekeeper, starts doing her hair, making it stand up and stick out in spikes, putting on make-up, and dressing Nico up as she would a doll then handing her her props - a sword, a staff, a ball of light - with exagerrated reverence before stepping back and smiles and nods in satisfaction. Fran would also smile and give her a thumb's up sign as they get ready to leave. Nico isn't allowed to eat the sweets they collect later but she is delighted to be walking the streets of Brentwood in costume. She feels like a different person and making believe she's another person makes her feel happy.  
Nico doesn't hang out with Karolina, Chase, Alex and Gert outside school, they usually only meet a few times a year when their parents meet for their annual Pride meeting but all that changes once Amy starts to organize a Halloween trick or treat group, asking permission from everyone's parents, getting Fran and a nanny or a parent or two to chaperone, encouraging the other kids to dress up and join them.  
That first year, Gert refuses to go ("My parents are against celebrating the mass extermination of native Americans," Gert says), Molly is too young to go, Chase couldn't go ("I got a D in English," Chase explains, rubbing his hand on the small bruise on his neck that he claims he got rollerblading, "I'm grounded") and Karolina can't go either ("I have a church thing."). Only Alex is able to go and that first time, he shows up on their doorstep as Darth Vader, beaming with happiness and excitement.  
"Darth Vader, good call," Amy says with an approving smile, ruffling Alex's hair.

Alex's answering grin is priceless. Tina rolls her eyes and mutters, "Let's go."

They collect a lot of candy that night, going door-to-door up and down Brentwood. High on sugar, they all troop back to Amy and Nico's and to Nico's annoyance, Amy starts playing video games with Alex - something that Alex eventually develops a life-long passion for because of Amy. Alex worshipped Amy when they were younger. An only child, Alex thought of Amy as a sister.  
It is while they are playing that Alex and Nico break a vase sitting on a table beside the couch, broken shards of vase on the carpet when Tina arrives as Amy and Nico desperately piece the vase together.

The look on Tina's face is indescribable. Between gritted teeth, Tina had asked Alex and Fran the housekeeper to leave, closed the door behind them, then turned to both children, anger in her eyes.

"Mom...it was an accident, I'm sorry,"Amy says, even as Nico also tries to apologize for the vase.  
The rage in Tina's eyes makes Amy and Nico cower. Nico had never seen Tina this angry before. Amy had, of course, and she'd closed her eyes in fear. 

"That was a priceless heirloom passed down for generations," Tina had said.

"I think we can still fix it, mom, don't worry,"Amy says, as they both watch Tina kneel and bend and pick up the shards of glass.  
Tina turns her head and glares at Amy. "You can't just fix this..."

"I'm sorry, mom," Amy says. "It won't happen again..."

"Oh, it will never happen again," Tina says. "You're both grounded. No TV, no internet, no phones, no friends, nothing...!"

"Oh, mom!" Amy whines. "We said we're sorry."

"And yet, not as sorry as I think you should be," Tina says. "Phones, now!"

"C'mon, mom!" Amy says. "We said we're sorry. It's just a stupid freaking vase...!"

The slap comes out of nowhere.  
The crack of the slap seems to echo as Tina's palm connects with Amy's cheek. The pain of Tina's slap stings, makes Amy's head snap back with the force of it. Amy is as shocked as Tina.

"Tina!" Robert says then, "What the hell are you doing?"

Robert's voice, so rarely raised and so rarely loud and clear in front of Tina and the girls makes Tina snap back to the present. It's like someone has reached back and turned something off in Tina because she seems to come back to her senses, shakes her head, focuses her eyes on Amy, a red welt forming on her cheek, eyes smarting and welling up with tears. Nico starts to cry.

"Girls, go to your rooms, now," Robert says, quietly as he faces Tina squarely.

The girla scramble to get away from their parents. Nico crawls into Amy's bed and lets her sister hold her as she cries herself to sleep, listening to the muffled voices of their parents arguing behind closed doors.

***

"You can't lash out at the kids just because you had a bad day at work, Tina..."

"I'm sorry..."

"This is not the way..."

“I'm sorry. I just...don't want to be a part of something that makes people lose their jobs...” Tina explains, voice exhausted.

“It's the only way. Some corporate restructuring, streamlining things...with a little tweak here and there...we might just be able to...”

Tina cuts Robert off. “They're asking me to fire people, Robert. People with wives, and and ...People who rely on us for a living...”

Robert interrupts. “You can't afford to develop some kind of moral conscience or guilt over this, Tina. You have your own problems, too. We've been bleeding money over these projects you're doing...You're going to need all the help you can get.”

“Robert..”

“Just...it's not wrong to ask for help, Tina,” Robert says, irritation in his voice. “Jonah...”

“No.” 

"He's helped before..."

"Not with this...People will lose their shit over this if they find out..."

"But we're so close..."

"I know..."Tina says. "I'm going to go...talk with the kids..."

Tina apologizes to Amy and Nico that night, but Nico had already made up her mind.

Nico is going to run away.

***

Running away isn't as easy as it looks, Nico realizes, as she sneaks around barefoot, in her pajamas, in their house, early the next morning.  
She slips out the back of the house without anyone noticing, and proceeds to go down the driveway, down the road, not knowing where she is going until she notices that she in the middle of the road, going nowhere. 

From there, she realizes she doesn't know where to go.  
She just wants to walk and walk and walk until she's put miles and miles and miles between her and her mother and the house, and everything. Maybe if she walks far enough, she could go all the way back to Japan. She's read somewhere about a man who'd literally walked around the world, and wore out hundreds of shoes in the process. Maybe she could do that. Maybe if she could leave it all behind it could get better. 

Why is her mom so mean? Why can't she be nice? 

She's so lost in her own thoughts she doesn't realize that someone is calling her name.

She turns to look and it's Karolina, in a car with her father.

“What you doing? Where you going?” Karolina asks. 

Nico just shakes her head. 

“You were going somewhere,” Karolina says, wide blue eyes curious. “Where were you going?”

Nico just shakes her head. 

“Well, me and my dad are gonna get pancakes, you wanna come?” Karolina asks. Then she turns to Frank. "Is it okay if Nico comes, dad? Please?"

Frank hesitates. "Um, if it's okay with Mr.and Mrs. Minoru I guess..."

"Can Amy come, too?" Karolina asks earnestly.

Frank nods.

Karolina squeals in delight, claps her hand together. 

"Go ask your mom and dad, Nico, I'll come with you," Frank says gently and the girl nods.

Nico thinks about it. Pancakes sounds good. Maybe with hot choco. And Mr. Dean is very nice. And Karolina will be there, too. Karolina looks nice, blonde hair shiny and bright against the morning sun, pink shirt making her skin and eyes glow. So Nico nods and follows Frank back to their house. 

Nico is afraid Tina would refuse but it is Robert who comes to the door and allows Nico and Amy to get pancakes with the Deans.  
When they get to the diner, Frank orders pancakes and hot choco for everyone and Nico and Karolina sit together and Karolina asks her questions and laughs and talks to Amy and Nico forgets for awhile how awful Tina had been to them.

***

The months and the years pass, ever so slowly, for Nico and the other kids.

They mark the passage of time and school with events: exams and school events and Fourth of July, Labor Day and Memorial Day celebrations, Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's Day and Valentine's and Easter and summer and birthdays.

For Fourth of July, Nico joins her parents and Amy at attending barbecue gatherings with Karolina, Chase, Alex and Gert and Molly's parents. Each pair of parents had their own of hosting the gathering.Once, Mr. and Mrs. Yorke had hosted and there were fireworks and animals and lots of food. 

For Halloween, Nico and the others would dress up and one or two parents, usually Janet Stein or Robert Minoru, would accompany them as they went trick or treating around Brentwood. Alex would often go as some sci-fi or fantasy character that they take them awhile to guess. Once, he went as Saruman, another time, he went as Voldemort, then another time, he went as Darth Vader. He'd also gone as Dr. Who and Neo as well. Chase usually went as his favorite athlete of the year, which meant just wearing the jersey with the jock's name on it. He'd gone as David Beckham, Roger Federer and Messi. Gert, for her part, had gone as her favorite feminist icon, Gertrude Stein, Virginia Woolf, Didion, and Gloria Steinem. When Molly is old enough to join them, she dresses up as Frida Kahlo, Che Guevarra and as an Aztec and Mayan warrior. Karolina, after much arguing with her parents, who didn't want her to join a pagan ritual, allow her to join and she goes, usually dressed as Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White or any number of Disney princesses, while Nico, just for fun, would go as Totoro, Hermione, or Sabrina the Teenage witch. Half of the fun of Halloween was Chase, Alex, Gert, Molly and Karolina trying to guess each other's costume and every year, whilst every year Gert declares every holiday a "meaningless, capitalist venture to fill the void of our empty, meaningless lives."

Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's eve dinners were more small family dinners though, although Karolina never seemed to forget to give her a gift every Christmas. One Christmas, she'd shyly given her a stuffed teddy bear, another year, a heart-shaped pillow and another year, she'd given Nico a "No-Face" stuffed toy.  
Nico, no stranger to gifts, had accepted the gifts warily, saying, "I thought the Church of Gibborim didn't believe in pagan holidays" to which Karolina would shrug and say, "But it's fun and people like it and it's not meaningless...I...didn't...just ask my dad to buy that for me...so I can give it to you...I saved up for it. I worked for my dad over the summer" and Nico would smile and nod and mutter a thanks, feeling her face heat under Karolina's intense gaze.

Nico would like to think she's special to Karolina, but every year she also has gifts for Chase, Molly, Alex and even Gert.

Birthdays are another affair that the kids look forward to. As the children of wealthy parents who are always busy and never around, their parents are always overcompensating with lavish birthday parties with elaborate themes, each one trying to see which party had the best party favors. Alex's, with his Star Wars themed parties and flash drive party favors were a hit, although there was one year when Chase's party favor was a smartphone prototype his dad had been working on at Nemo.

With each year, they grow closer as a group, earning the nickname Brentwood Five at Atlas Academy - hanging out, doing things together, playing games and generally being good friends.

And then one day, puberty came and things slowly change.


	6. After the Summer

Everyone says goodbye to grade school and pre-pubescence. Amy joins a sports camp for the summer, Chase is enrolled in a LaCrosse sports camp, Karolina helps her mom with Gibborim youth church camp, Gert and Molly join their parents Dale and Stacey Yorkes for a summer medical research fellowship in South Western Africa from a joint Synergy/Wizard research grant, doing top secret work on a serum that nobody knows about and Nico is attending an intensive martial arts summer camp and an East Asian arts session incorporated in the program.

At this time, Tina and Robert do major renovations on their house, based on a project that Tina says will change how people perceive homes. Tina doesn't say anything more and Amy and Nico are just glad to be away from home, at least for a little while, that they don't pay attention.

Nico focuses more on the camp, her stance, her kicks and blocks and jumps, enjoying sparring with the other kids. At twelve going on thirteen, Nico is smaller than the other children, but what she lacks in height she makes up for with ferocity and sheer determination. By this time, she'd been doing karate for six years and she'd slowly progressed from one belt to the next. As she continues with her lessons, she develops sinewy upper arm muscles, and overall upper body strength and leg muscles. 

She is a twelve year old ball of energy and restlessness and her sensei tries to teach her meditation and breathing techniques but she's too distracted to concentrate.

She discovers an old, dusty, used cabin where old books are stored though and finds that reading calms her down more than meditation. The other camp kids hang out and play games and flirt and crush on each other but Nico retreats into herself, is completely uninterested. She discovers a particularly interesting book about the history of witchcraft that keeps her up all night reading. 

She meets a few kids at the camp, but don't make any friends, although there is one tall, tall, curly haired, blonde girl who is cheerful and nice and greets her or makes some random comment about the weather who Nico thinks she could've at least gotten to know more a bit. The girl has a nice smile and the nice skin and the pretty face that always seems flushed wheneve Nico sees her. Nico's heart would hammer wildly against her chest everytime she sees the girl and wonders why, doesn't understand why she would make Nico feel weird, too. 

Whenever Amy calls her and asks her about camp, Amy would tease her about crushes and Nico would get annoyed and Amy would laugh and it makes Nico madder.

Nico feels a bit like she's on the verge of something, but she doesn't know what it is.  
Towards the end of the summer, as Nico says goodbye to summer camp and everyone else, she catches a glimpse of the girl and wishes she'd been friends with her and realizes she looks a little like Karolina.

***

When Nico comes home right before school starts, she comes to a house that has changed. Her mother has hired a gardener to trim the lawn in the yard, prune the bushes, cut off dead branches from the trees, clean the backyard. The house had been cleaned, cleared of its bric and brac. Tina had hired a crew to clean the house, install solar panels, install new wires, install new equipment, software, hardware that would eventually become what they would call the prototype smarthouse. Tina had either replaced or enhanced their household appliances - the fridge, television, stereo system, washing machine, microwave oven, laptops, even the air conditioner, had been modified and connected to a central system connected to a computer that Tina could control via her laptop and a new prototype of the Wizphone, the Wizphone XX. Gone were the dark paneled walls, replaced by large French windows that overlooked their new infinity pool and Zen garden. A new security system has been installed and everything is connected to Wizard servers.

Tina had supervised everything, made sure everything was okay.  
Nico had overheard her mother and father discussing how good it felt to get rid of everything to Stacey and Dale Yorkes.

“It feels good. Out with the old, in with the new," her father had explained.

"It's very cathartic, isn't it?" Dale Yorkes comments.

Cathartic. Nico had looked it up after. Her mother and Stacey And Dale Yorkes and and Catherine Wilder and the others sometimes use big words, and she finds herself looking them up in the dictionary, marking the words she'd learned, like “cathartic” and writing it down in a notebook, to be used when writing in her diary or when speaking to other people. She keeps a diary, to write down her thoughts and she hides her diary under her bed in her room and digs it out at night to write down her thoughts. 

And so, Nico comes to a house that's basically brand new, somber and gray and spacious, the large French windows taking in the morning sunlight, making the living room glow, reflecting off of the infinity pool. In fact, the whole house seems to be bathed in light, so much so that the first thing Nico does is have darker curtains in her room. But the constant whirring in the background, the disembodied A.I. voice that announces which doors are being opened, make it feel like the house is as cold as it has ever been. Flowers are growing in a new garden in the back though, with roses and hydrangeas, azaleas and lilies, softening the coldness of the house. 

She spends time in the garden or in her room - the one place that gives her peace and quiet, away from everyone else. 

The other reason is because she has this nagging feeling that things will change even more. Especially for her. In school, right before summer, her teachers had been talking about how this is an important part of her life, of their lives, hers and her classmates', that their bodies are about to change, in more ways than one. They are shown pictures and videos and diagrams of these changes to the snickers of the boys and the awkward, embarassed smiles of the girls, but she doesn't understand how this would change her. She comes back from summer camp feeling the same, maybe half an inch taller, a chest that's barely a bump, but otherwise still pretty much the same Nico, still shorter than the rest of the student population, still just herself.

She goes back to school though and realizes everyone else isn't.

***

"Hey!" Chase Stein bounds up to them, taller and tanned, wavy hair cut short and gelled within an inch of its life, arm muscles bulging from under his shirt sleeves.  
"Hi, Chase,"Eiffel, a girl they go to school with, shyly smiles and waves at him.

Chase nods cooly at her and grins, as he greets friends. He weaves his way through the crowd and stands in front of the others, happy to see them. 

"What's up?" Alex Wilder, also taller now, pushes up his glasses and nods in his direction, adjusting his backpack as he does so. "First day of school, wish I was back at Comic Con..."

"Welp...least we know where you were all summer, nerd," Chase says to Alex. "Anyone seen Karolina?"

"Probably at some church thing," Gert says, large glasses still too big for her face, pushing away long, straw like dry hair away from her face. 

"Hi, guys!" Molly says, now, smiling at everyone. She sees someone behind Chase and Alex and smiles and says, "Speaking of..." and gestures behind them.

They all turn and stare.

"Wow..."Chase says.

"What the...?" Gert mutters.

Nico just stares.

The crowd parts and Karolina Dean emerges, in tight jeans and blouse and high heeled boots, long, hair falling in waves around her shoulders and back, a smile on her face.  
"Hey, guys!" she greets them cheerfully as she gives everyone a little wave. As Chase and Alex smile and shyly look down at their feet, drawing little circles on the ground with the tip of their shoes, Karolina, oblivious, just looks at Nico then and her smile grows a little bit wider, her vibrant blue eyes dancing with delight at seeing Nico. In a softer, lower voice, she gently says, "Hey, Nico. How was your summer?"

Everyone starts to speak all at the same time, Chase and Alex trying to outdo each other as they extol the virtues of the summer camps they went to, Gert rolling her eyes and Molly just staring at her phone, uninterested. Nico feels her face flush at how Karolina looks at her.  
"Camp was great, I guess?" Nico says. 

"You look great," Karolina says with a smile. "Have you been working out?"

Nico flushes even more. "Um, no?" When Karolina grins, Nico says, "Maybe a little?"

Karolina laughs a little, amused at her answer, and Nico finds herself smiling. A couple of boys greet Karolina, "Hey, Karolina!" ignoring the others around them. Gert watches the interaction, noting how Chase seems to be unable to take his eyes off of Karolina, like a few other boys checking her out.

"So how was camp?" Nico asks then as they head towards their classrooms.

Karolina shrugs. "It was great! We had classes and sessions and games and we'd gather around the campfire just singing songs.." She stops, looks at Nico, searches her eyes. "You don't want to listen to all this stuff, do you?"

Nico shakes her head. "No, it's fine. I'd like to."

Karolina smiles, tucking a stray hair behind her ear. Nico notices something glint on her ring finger and she tilts her head.

"That's new," Nico comments, pointing at the ring.

Karolina looks at her ring and shrugs again. "It's...a purity ring? The church kind of gave them all to us at the camp? Made us promise to stay pure...?"

"Wow, the weirdness just keeps getting worse," Gert comments sarcastically. 

Karolina just looks at her. "My religious beliefs are not weird."

"Your religion is not real," Gert says.

"Your religion isn't all that great, either," Karolina points.

"Guys," Alex interrupts, "Easy on the religion bashing. There's room for more than one religion around..."

Gert makes a face and excuses herself, muttering about needing to organize a club against patriarchy. Molly trails behind her.

"So, a purity ring? Really?" Nico says, with a smile. 

"Yeah, I know," Karolina says with a sigh. 

"What was your mom thinking?"

"Dunno. I guess she was worried we'd all start dating and making bad decisions?" Karolina says. "Don't know why she bothers. With church and mom, I actually have no time anything else..."

Just then some boys smile at Karolina as she passes them by and Nico smiles at how oblivious Karolina is. Nico doesn't know why but that seems to make her feel better. "So, does your church keep tabs on your purity or something?"

"Uh, yeah. There'd this thing called an audit? Where they interview you and stuff? It's all very hush hush."

Nico is about to ask her something else but then the bell rings. Alex quickly says, "Listen you guys, I'm going to have a quick get together over the weekend, you guys want to hang out? Mom and dad are okay with it. We can have pizza, soda and twister."

"I don't know, Alex, I might have a church thing," Karolina says. She turns to Nico. "Are you going to be there?"

Nico is about to say not really, but then Amy comes up, drapes one arm over Alex, the other over Nico and says, "Yep, we're going to be there. Parents are going to do that thing they do every year. Might as well hang out. You have to come, Karolina." 

Karolina hesitates but then, Nico and Alex look at her with pleading eyes so she slowly nods and says, "Okay."

As the second bell rings, Karolina instinctively grabs Nico's hand and says, "C'mon! We'll be late for class..."

Karolina's touch seems to burn Nico and she pulls her hand away in surprise. Karolina doesn't seem to notice though as she rushes through a crowd that parts as she passes through, leaving Nico flushed and wondering why Karolina's touch always affects her.

She ignores this and follows everyone to class.


	7. Changes

Karolina Dean has known all the other Pride children, since forever. They'd all grown up together, went to the same school, went to the same functions, attended playdates, parties and events and what-have-you's. They'd eat at the same table, are in the same classes, join in the same clubs, hang out when their parents had their annual meeting.

So it always seems like Pride, the parents and the other Pride kids were a constant presence. Amy Minoru, the de facto leader because she was older than the rest by a good three years or so, would arrange their get-togethers, or initiate activities. When Amy became a junior though, busy with preparing for SATs and college applications, tennis and AP classes, and other extra curriculars, she'd have Alex, who was closer to her, organize the get-togethers and join whenever she can. 

When they were younger, Amy had wholesome get-togethers: just hanging out, eating pizza and Cheetos and drinking soda as they watched TV or played one of those games Alex seems to like, like Twister or Uno. But as they grew older, Alex started to develop a more active interest in games such as Magic: The Gathering and Dungeons and Dragons.

Gert had held a Magic card when Alex had first introduced them - that time after everyone hit junior high - the first Pride meeting of the year at the Wilder mansion. 

"I don't get how we're supposed to play these," Gert had said, holding the cards up with a bored expression.

"It's either this or Monopoly and we know how you hate how Monopoly celebrates capitalism and consumerism," Alex says.

Gert makes a face. "In what universe did you think I'd prefer playing these instead?"

Alex lets out a frustrated, sigh and says, "This is an awesome game. It involves logic, strategic thinking and..."

"I'd like to try, seems interesting," Karolina chimes in. 

Alex lights up at Karolina's comment. Karolina gives him an encouraging smile.

"No, not playing another nerd game," Nico says dismissively.

Alex's face falls, looks disappointed. "Fine, you don't want to play twister or Magic:The Gathering, or Dungeons and Dragons..."

"Because last time I got trapped in a time flux and had the mystical strength of a doily," Gert says, annoyed. "And you made yourself dungeon master and kept making fun of us..."

"I said I was sorry, okay?" Alex says.

"No 3D chess either," Gert says. 

"Alright, fun factor just went down considerably," Alex says.

"Alex, you do know there's a direct correlation between nerdiness and dying a virgin?" Gert asks with a smirk.

"And you do know statistically speaking most, single cat ladies end up alone because they're no fun?" Alex retorts.

"Alright, no need to fight," Karolina says. "If you guys don't want Alex's suggestions, then what do you want to play?"

"Spin the bottle," Chase pipes up, visibly flushed, voice a bit slurry, as he leans on the door.

"Where've you been?" Alex demands. "They're ganging up on me..."

"So...spin the bottle," Chase says. "I have the bottle. Your dad left an empty bottle in the kitchen."

"Um...isn't that the game where we just spin the bottle and people kiss?" Gert asks.

Chase grins, eyes lighting up. "Yes! Exactly."

Gert's raised eyebrow is epic. "Then it's a definitely stupid."

"Aaawww, come on," Chase says.

Gert shakes her head. "There is a distinct male to female ratio imbalance in the group. You'll have fun, we won't...plus...I don't think everyone's into girl-on-girl action..."

"Fine, so I guess seven minutes in heaven is out," Chase says.

"Absolutely not," Gert says indignantly. "That's just an excuse for you to cop a feel..."

"Okay. Chill, not doing seven minutes in heaven," Chase says, looking longingly at Karolina who is busy going through her phone. "What do we do then? I'm out of ideas here..."

"Light as a feather, stiff as a board," Nico quietly says.

Everybody stops to look at her.  
"What?" Gert asks.

"It's this...game where we kind of make someone lie down and make that person float with the power of our mind..." Nico explains. When nobody reacts, Nico quickly says, "Yeah. It's lame, I know..."

"I'm in!" Molly says quickly.

"Yeah, me, too,"Karolina says."Although I don't know what it is..."

"Then I guess I'm in, too," Gert says.

"And me," Amy says, freshly arrived and grinning at the groaning boys muttering about how the girls have hijacked Pride night.

As Nico settles down and tries to explain the mechanics of the game, she tries to ignore intense blue eyes staring at her. And she definitely tries to ignore the feel of hands beneath her back as they try to lift her with their fingers.

***

The thing with Karolina is, everyone seems to have suddenly discovered her.

Overnight, in junior high, everyone suddenly seems interested in her.  
Whenever Nico sees her, some random boy is always trying to talk to her, or waving at her, or in class, trying to be lab partners with her or be part of her group for a project or sitting beside her. Karolina seems oblivious to all of these, however. Whenever someone tries to choose her for a project, Karolina would say, "Is it okay if I pair up with Nico?" Which, coupled with a disarming, charming smile, almost always gets approved, and boys would usually cast a forlon, disappointed look Nico's way. When someone tries to sit beside Karolina, she would say, "Oh, this seat's taken" and doesn't budge until Nico appears and she gets to make Nico sit beside her.  
Being near Karolina had its perks, Nico would reluctantly admit. Rather than sit beside some pubescent, hormonal, sweaty, greasy haired, pimple ridden boy whose feet or pits smelled funky, or who always smelled like some dead rat's asshole at least she got to sit beside Karolina, who always looked and smelled fresh, always vaguely smelling of jasmine and roses and strawberries, sun glinting off of her shiny hair, making her skin glow as they sat together figuring out how to dissect a frog or mitosis, meiosis, cellular division or any number of scientific experiments that involved scalpels, a tray and her and Karolina in a white labcoat, rubber gloves and goggles. The best part would always be Karolina's blue eyes widening in wonder and awe as they figure something out and Nico almost wants to keep doing experiments just to see Karolina grin. Once, the teacher had them life cycles, photosynthesis, cellular respiration and solar energy and Karolina had sat transfixed, fascinated by the sun and its life-giving properties. The year after that, they'd briefly bcome lab partners again and an assignment that consisted of them gazing at the stars had equally fascinated Karolina. Karolina had a look then, as of someone dreaming and wishing and yearning for something, blue eyes searching the night sky for something. Karolina would not tell her and Nico wouldn't ask. Years later, it would make sense then, but when they were younger, Nico would wonder briefly what Karolina really thought about things. When Karolina spoke, it was always about school or church. She'd always been one of those cheerful, but hard to pin down girls but Nico hadn't wanted to pry. Karolina rarely got personal with her anyway.

Sometimes, when Nico's feeling pensive and anti-social, she would skip the cafeteria and find a spot under a tree, either reading a book or writing or doodling in her notebook while listening to music and Karolina would almost always find her, drop beside her and say, "Hey, Nico."

"Hey," Nico would say, liking the distinct way Karolina called her and then Karolina would be offering her a juice box and a sandwich. 

"Uh, what are you doing?" Nico would ask.

"I have a photography project for class, I was wondering if I could take a photo of you?" Karolina would ask. "The juicebox and sandwich are a bribe. Please say yes. We're doing faces. I think you'd make a perfect subject. You're bone structure...eyes...cheeks..." Here Karolina stops and flushes.

Nico stops herself from saying Karolina's perfect, too. That being the daughter of a movie star dad and an equally good-looking mom who could be movie star herself has ensured her that she'd come iut gorgeous herself but Nico just smiles.

"Um...okay," she says instead.  
Karolina grins, takes out her camera then says, "Also, have you accepted the light of salvation?"

Nico looks at her then, puzzled. "What?"

Karolina flushes again. "I, um, was wondering if you'd like to come to church with me?"

Nico smiles uneasily. "Ummm..." She'd heard the rumors about Karolina's religion. That it was a cult, that people believed they were made of light and their life's purpose was to achieve that lightness. It all seemed hokey to her.

Karolina senses her hesitation. "It's okay if you don't want to. Gert and Alex said no, too. Only Chase said yes."

Of course, he did, Nico says with an internal eyeroll. "It's not that I don't want to...'

Karolina shakes her head. "It's fine. You don't need to explain. I totally get it." And she smiles and Nico feels her heart flutter.

And so Karolina happily takes pictures of her and chats with her and Karolina would show her her pictures and she'd be surprised because Karolina has a way of photographing her that seems to bring out something different about Nico. Maybe it's the light or the angle or composition but Karolina makes her look really good. And she'd shyly thank her and Karolina would cheerfully welcome her and they'd talk about the book she's reading and Karolina would listen as she talks a bit about Wicca and Karolina listens, never taking her eyes off of Nico as she does so. It's what she's always liked about Karolina -the way she listens and never offers any judgment about her interests, unlike her Mom, who, ever since she discovered Nico's interest in Wicca has started to give her a lot of shit for it. Not Karolina though. She just seems genuinely interested. Sometimes, Karolina would ask what music she's listening to and she'd tell Karolina about some new band she's discovered and she'd let Karolina listen and even though she knows they're a bit too loud for Karolina's Gibborim-loving soul, Karolina just smiles and says they sound awesome and they'd talk a bit more and the world seems to fade away a bit and it's just the two of them until the bell rings or until the other kids find them - mostly Alex or Chase and they chat til it's time to go back to class.

***

Nico doesn't remember puberty as being particularly tough or easy - there were mood swings and period pains and little growth spurts and pimples and awkward conversations but it had been largely uneventful - save for the constant presence of the other Pride kids or the mundaneness and boredom of early teenage life.  
But then, the next year comes, and Nico's life changes. And everything just becomes even worse. Much, much worse.


	8. Growing Pains

Eighth grade starts out ordinary and mundane: orientation, figuring out class schedules, requirements, classrooms, teachers, requirements and so on.

The other Pride kids seem to have grown up even more over the summer. Alex, Chase and Karolina have grown inches taller. In Chase's case, he'd developed even more muscles and a seemingly unhealthy enthusiasm for protein shakes ("Protein shakes are life!" he'd declared once during lunchbreak) and a passionate devotion to lacrosse. He'd tried out for the junior varsity team, gotten in and had started to hang out with other jocks. Alex had discovered and had joined Math Club, Science Club, AVClub and other clubs in school. Gert had discovered Model UN and is trying to start her own feminist club. Karolina had become more active at church and had been attempting to start a church group at Atlas. And Amy, Amy had started college applications, aiming for Yale, Harvard, MIT or Princeton, busy with college visits, varsity, student council, debate team, math club, interviews and saving up for a summer trip to Europe. 

They still meet up, especially when the Pride parents have their annual get-togethers, but it isn't as often as before. Their meetings have become impromptu game nights where they play a mixture of charades, pictionary, card games and Twister, but for the most part, everyone seems to be slowly outgrowing that part of their life for something more, mostly school-related activities and college preparations.

She wishes she could muster the same kind of enthusiasm the other Pride kids have for extra curricular activities but she just doesn't care as much as they do. So they're all growing and exploring and making a difference and transforming themselves while Nico is the same old Nico - apathetic and uninterested in clubs and in college and in anything else, save maybe for an interest in others that some may think would be bordering on vague infatuation. She is confused by this.

***

Once, Nico had been able to catch Amy in her room, hunched over her laptop, music blaring from her stereo.

"Hey," Nico had said.

Amy had stopped what she was doing, leaned back on her swivel chair, and grinned at her baby sister.

"Hey, yourself," Amy says. "What's up?"

Nico shakes her head, shrugs. "Nothing. Just wanted to say hi. I never see you anymore."

Amy smiles apologetically. "Sorry, about that." She gets up, sits on the bed. "Just been busy...Gotta take care of that college  
application or mom will kill me." She pats the bed, indicating Nico join her.

"Yeah, everyone's busy these days," Nico mutters as she hops on the bed. 

Amy looks at Nico. Studies her face. "What's wrong?"

Nico sighs. Nico sometimes feels like the people she's known her whole life are drifting away. She's known this is a natural part of life. She hadn't particularly expected to feel a bit lonely though. And she particularly did not expect to miss her sister, and moments like this with her. She shakes her head. "Nothing."

"C'mon...you can tell me...I'm all ears," Amy says gently. 'Is it school?"

Nico shakes her head. "No." She makes average grades. Nico has always been average at school. Just good enough that her mom wouldn't make a big deal out of it but not so good that she'd have to be taunted by the other kids for being a nerd.

"Is it mom?" Amy asks anxiously.  
Nico shakes her head. "No." Thankfully, their mom is buys with Wizard. Her smarthouse pilot project had been a success and they'd gotten investors onboard and rolling out the system to interested clients. The new Wizphone they'd launched had been a hit, too, as are its new interface, it's slim design, it's battery life, and its other capabilities. They'd even launched software in partnership wIth Nemo, Chase's father's company, that's also proven to be a hit in the IT industry. Plus she is hard at work at the many charity events of Pride. Tina is usually never at home, always in meetings, press conferences and product launches. Now, with Homeland and the Department of Defense and some organization named Shield expressing an interest in a partnership with Wizard, Tina's set to be even busier. So, overall, there's been peace at home. So, no, she has no problem with her mom.

Amy pauses dramatically now and grins, an evil glint in her eye. "Is it a boy?" she gasps dramatically. 

Nico blushes. "No."

Amy chuckles. "Aw, c'mon. You look like someone shot your puppy."

"Graphic."

Amy grins. "So, there must be some guy."

Nico shakes her head. "Trust me, there's no guy."

Amy's face grows serious. "But do you want there to be...? A guy, I mean?"

Nico blushes even more. "No." She shakes her head. "Yes." Then she rolls over and buries her face in Amy's pillow. "I dunno...!"

Amy rolls on her side, watches Nico. "Okay. You used to tell me everything. I can tell when something's on your mind."

Nico rolls on her back. She stares up at the ceiling and shrugs. "It's just...people keep saying things will start to change around this time. I see it with the other Pride kids. And they've started having all sorts of crushes and shit.'

"Language."

"Sorry. It's just...Gert's had a crush on Chase since forever and she's not very subtle about it and she just follows him around. And I know Chase is at least mildly interested in Karolina even though he has a new thing with Eiffel now. And all these other kids have crushes and..." She stops, unable to explain it.

"You're wondering if you're normal for not liking anybody?" Amy asks.  
Nico nods, sighs in relief. Amy always seems to understand her.  
Amy smiles. "Nico. That's totally normal. There's nothing wrong with you. Maybe you just haven't found the right person. And even if you haven't, that doesn't mean you're a total freak, okay?" Amy reaches out and gently rubs Nico's shoulder. 

"No?"

Amy smiles and shakes her head. "No. Well, maybe a little bit." Nico playfully hits her. "Ow!"

Nico grins.

"As in, nobody? Nobody in Atlas is doing it for you?" Amy asks, mock concern on her face.

"Well, maybe Alex, I guess?"

Amy smiles. "But...?"

Nico makes a face. "I mean, he's cute and all, I guess but he's kind of nerdy and stuff, so..."

Amy nods. "Yeah. I kinda warned him to stop talking in Star Wars metaphors but...he thinks quoting Yoda is the height of romantic small talk, so..."

Nico sighs. She wants to say yeah, Alex is nice but she thinks there might be someone else she might also like, but she is unsure about what she's feeling or why.

Amy picks up on it. "You want to ask me another question?" When Nico nods, Amy says, "Shoot."

Nico swallows nervously. "Have you ever...you know...played for the same team?"

Amy makes a face. "That depends."

"On what?"

"On what the hell you're talking about."

Nico wipes her hands on her jeans. "Have you ever...briefly...before you realized you didn't...liked girls?"

Amy knits her eyebrows. "Why do you want to know?"

Nico shrugs. "I'm doing a paper on human sexuality. I wanted to know what you thought."

Amy shrugs back. "I...I guess I never thought about it. I guess I like guys? But I love the person, I guess, not the gender? I guess if there's a girl who'd rock my world as hard as a guy would, why not? I'm open to it."

Nico thinks about this. Amy stares at her. 

"Why? Are you into girls?" Amy asks.

Nico blushes. "No," she says quickly,feeling confused and defensive.

"Because if you are, I'm totally okay with it," Amy says casually. "I mean, that actually makes sense in a way..."

Nico looks at her, mock offended. "Hey!"

"I mean the obsession with black, the aversion to make-up, the posters..."

"Amy," Nico protests. "You're being an asshole."

Amy chuckles. "So...who's the lucky girl?" Amy teases her. Then, she grins. "Oh my god,are you crushing on a girl? It's Gert, isn't it?" Amy asks. "Or Eiffel?..."

"Amy!" Nico blushes harder. 

"I mean, Eiffel I get. But Gert would be so random...I think she's cute...but..."

"No, I do not have a crush on Gert, Amy," Nico says between gritted teeth. A flash of blue eyes and blonde hair come to mind but she quickly pushes that down, ignores it.

Amy laughs. "Okay. Is that what's bothering you? That you might be into girls?"

Nico shrugs. "I don't...know? I don't really know what or who I want right now...but..."

"You're just concerned you'd be called a freak for wanting the things you want," Amy finishes for her.

Nico nods. "Yes."

Amy scoots up closer to her. "Nico, you don't need to freak out about this. You love who you love. It shouldn't matter what other people think. And even if they're going to be assholes about it, it shouldn't matter. Because the people that matter to you wouldn't care and the people who don't matter - well, you shouldn't worry about 'em," Amy says. "Besides, you're still young. Things could change. I could say I'm straight now, but what's to say I won't meet some girl who's going to be the one in the future?" 

Nico smiles. "Thanks, Amy.'

Amy grins. "Anytime, Nico."

"You're like Yoda or something," Nico teases her.

"I know," Amy says. "But seriously, if you ever want to take it to the next step with Alex, I'm all for it. Hell, I ship it."

"Eeww," Nico says, making a face.

Amy chuckles. "Never say never, Nico." She stops then, face suddenly serious, before she says, "Seriously though, Nico. Straight or not, you'll always be my sister, no matter what and I'll always love you. Never forget that."

Nico nods, feeling oddly comforted by that. Amy is her sister, yes, but she is also her friend. Afterall, it was to Amy she'd run to when she got her first period. Amy who'd told her about tampons and cramps and hot water bottles and brought her Advil and ice cream and chocolate. It was Amy who'd helped her with training bras and choosing clothes that didn't make her look like an overgrown child in junior high. It was Amy she'd ask questions she'd rather die than ask her mother or father, like when she'd ask Amy, when she was younger where babies came from and Amy had blushed and stammered and tried valiantly to answer the question but Nico hadn't been satisfied and had commented, "I still don't get it."  
Now, looking at her older sister, Nico says, "I'm gonna miss you, Amy. It's gonna be boring without you here taking the heat off of me."

"What? You get the parents all to yourself," Amy says.

"Um, no," Nico says, shuddering, imagining her father awkwardly reaching out to her and her mother trying to be mother to her.

"So, Europe and Yale, huh?" Nico says now.

Amy beams proudly. "Yup. Backpacking all over Europe. Jealous?"

"Hell, yeah," Nico says.

"Well, you could do that, too."

Nico sighs. "Yeah. But only if I go to college and I'm just...not feeling it, you know?"

Amy looks at her sympathetically. "Nico..."

"Yeah," Nico says. "I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with the rest of my life."

Amy looks sorry for then and Nico feels ashamed somehow, like she's disappointed her, like she's always disappointed their mother and father. Like she's continually disappointing herself.

***

The fact is, everyone seems to know what they want to do. Alex is a whiz with computers and he could already have a six figure income at any place in Silicon Valley if he wanted to. Or start his own company. And Chase, for all his jockheadedness, is driven and motivated and confident. Even Gert knows what she wants. And Karolina, well, she'll probably head their church one day, but at least she knows where she's headed.  
But Nico...Nico, daughter of successful Tech geniuses, doesn't know what she wants out of life.

***

"Well, what do you want to do after high school?" Karolina asks her once, as they set up the telescope on the Minoru mansion rooftop, preparing to do some stargazing for their science homework.

"I don't know," Nico says. "I don't really know about doing the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life."

Karolina nods, in understanding. "I get that."

"Yeah?"

Karolina nods. 

"But I always thought you had things figured out,"Nico says.

Karolina shrugs. "Things could change." She looks over the horizon. "This is awesome."

Nico looks to where Karolina is looking at. Sunset over the horizon, pink and red and orange and indigo splashed across the sky.

'Yeah," Nico says softly.

"It's beautiful," Karolina whispers.

Nico nods, looks at Karolina, light of the sunset shining on her skin.  
"Yeah," Nico says, looking at Karolina.

That night, they'd stared up at the sky, notebooks and textbook on hand, trying to locate the constellations they were assigned to look for, and arguing in the process before Nico throws her hands up in the air, plops down on the beach chairs they'd hauled up to the rooftop and dramatically says, "I give up."

Karolina looks down at her then, sighs and sits beside her.

"These don't make sense to me,"Nico says in frustration. "I mean, I just..." She throws up her hands and points at the sky. "I just call that the pineapple."

Karolina smiles. "Where?"

Nico extends her hand further, index finger tracing a pattern in the air. "See there? That oval shape? The eyes? The leaves?"

Karolina squints. "Oh, yeah, I see it. It looks like a pineapple."

"Hence, the name," Nico says. "Amy, dad and I used to do it when we were young."

Karolina grins. She reaches out, touches Nico's arm, hand lingering longer than Nico thinks is necessary. "Teach me?"

Nico nods and they settle on the beach chairs as Nico points out one invented constellation after another, Karolina laughing and nodding when she sees what Nico is saying.

"And over there, see, that's my favorite,"Nico says, pointing to the right side of the sky, near Karolina.

"What?" Karolina asks, leaning so close to her Nico can smell jasmine and roses and she knows the smell will linger until later.

"I call it the pearly shell," Nico says.

"Where?" Karolina asks, squinting her eyes. 

"You can't see it?" Nico asks.

Karolina shakes her head. "No."

Nico leans closer, and Karolina moves close as well. "See? Over there?"

"I can't see it," Karolina says. "I think you're just making things up."

Nico laughs. "No, I'm not. It's a shell. See?" And she traces the air with her index finger.

"Okay, I see it a bit,"Karolina nods. She looks at Nico. "Why is it your favorite?" 

"My dad taught me about it," Nico says. "Kind of like sacred geometry. Look," she says. Then she takes out a pen and makes Karolina hold up her arm. Karolina looks at her suspiciously but when Nico promises not to hurt her, she reluctantly holds out her arm. Nico gingerly holds Karolina's arm and Karolina giggles nervously, saying it tickles as Nico draws something on her arm. "So, this spiral, this is the golden ratio and it's a mathematical pattern that just repeats itself in nature, in flower petals and honeybees, and you know, the stars in the galaxy, and in every molecule of our DNA. See? It's kind of beautiful and awesome and just...fucking amazing."

Karolina looks at her, blue eyes searching her face. They gaze into each other's eyes and for a few heartbeats neither one says anything and Nico's heart is pounding hard against h chest but there seems to be some kind of understanding that passes between them because Karolina doesn't pull her arm away and Nico doesn't let go and they stay that way until they see a flash in the sky and Karolina is the first to break eye contact and she grabs Nico by the arm and says, cheerfully, "Look! A shooting star! Make a wish!"

And Nico laughs, conscious of Karolina's nearness but enjoying every moment of it, feeling happy and exhilirated and when Karolina asks her later what she wished for, Nico would shake her head and say "I can't tell you. It might not come true." Karolina nods solemnly then, and Nico almost wants to say she wished for more moments like this, whatever it is, with her, but then her father comes and calls them down for dinner and even as she's bummed that the spell is broken, she follows Karolina down to their dining room for pizza and Coke with her, Amy and Robert and watching some random movie afterwards until Frank Dean comes to pick Karolina up but Nico remembers feeling happy, wanting the moment with her family and Karolina to last. And when Frank comes, Nico hopes Karolina is as disappointed as she is that the night has to end. But Karolina leans over and whispers, "See you at school tomorrow" and Nico remembers her heart leaping at that, too, feeling happy she'd see Karolina tomorrow. 

As she watches Karolina and Frank leave, she has no idea that this would be her last happy moment.  
A few days later, she finds Amy in her bedroom, lifeless and dead.


	9. Amy

How does one ever come out of being the first to discover the body of one's own sister, lying cold and lifeless in her room?

How does one recover from reconciling the body lying on the bed, with the woman who'd just been teasing her this morning over a breakfast of cereals and fruit?  
How does one react, even?  
More importantly, how does one get over it? 

Nico doesn't know.

Nico would never know.

All she knows is one minute she'd come home in high spirits - Karolina had asked her to go to the movies with her on the weekend, without the other Pride kids, and she doesn't know why but she feels excited about it, is actually looking forward to it, made her feel like the start of something new.  
So she'd gone home, unlocked the front door with her PIN code. She remembers how quiet and empty the house was. It's always quiet and empty, but even more so that afternoon - as if the house already knew what she didn't, pitying her for what she is about to discover, holding its breath as she made her way through the house's sterile foyer, equally sterile living room, then up the stairs to the bedrooms, past her parents' room and Amy's to hers. It's such a soulless house, she remembers thinking. She remembers thinking how a house that talks, responds to them, opens and closes devices in the house like a human, a house with its own AI could be so devoid of a soul. It made her feel suffocated, made her feel even emptier. She remembers thinking that a lot of other people would kill to have the kind of house they have - top of the line, state of the art, cutting edge. Hell, she remembers thinking they'd probably kill for the wealth Wizard has given them: the ability to go on skiing vacations out west, or spend vacations in Europe or the Carribean or go on a safari in Kenya for a birthday, or rent out a whole restaurant for a birthday, or get her dream car even before she graduates without having to get a shitty part-time restaurant job, or go to any Ivy League school if she wanted to without worrying about the crippling student loan that plagued most of the population. In fact, in one of her mother's more generous moments, she'd told Nico and Amy that if they ever had a hard time getting to the college of their choice, that they didn't have to worry, that she could just put in a call, that a modest donation should do it ('A building or two, perhaps,"Tina had said, amused). Tina believed the girls should work for what they want, no strings attached. To tell Nico and Amy so casually that Tina could pull some strings if she wanted to meant that Wizard and Tina had the pull and clout to do so. Nico just didn't know if she wanted it. The more Tina succeeded and Wizard became the more popular choice, becoming ever more successful, the further away Tina drifted from them. Even when Tina had been able to find the time to work from home, or attend school events, or go on family vacations with them, Tina just seemed cold and distant.

Nico hears a car, doors slamming, footsteps, a pause, maybe the PIN code being punched, the house's disembodied voice announcing the Alpha - the owner - has arrived, and in a few seconds, she hears her mother saying, "Nico? Amy? We're home!"

She goes to the end of the hallway, at the top of the stairs, yells, "Yeah!"

"Ask your sister what she wants for dinner," Tina says then.

"Or we can do take out," Robert says.

"Pizza, dad," Nico says then. She knows her mother is going to make a beeline to her pristine office, open her laptop, do some last minute prep for the next day, send out accomplishment reports to the board, to investors, send out emails to project managers and team leads and plan out the next in-house product and project launches.

She goes to her sister's room. She takes note of how bright the day is. Is excited to tell her she's going to the movies with Karolina. Remembers the conversation, Karolina asking her, hesitant and shy:  
"Um...I was wondering...are you doing anything this weekend?"

Nico thinks about it. "Um, no, not really. Why?"

"Um...well, you could totally say no if you don't want to...but would you like to maybe catch a movie this weekend? Maybe catch that new Scarlett Johansenn film? Or that 'Hobbit' film? It has wizards. I know you like those..." When Nico just looks at her. "I mean, I don't know about you but I could use a break? I'd ask the others but I don't think I can stand another of Alex's point-by-point commentary on movies we watch, or Gert's sarcastic comments or, um, Chase being weird...and I didn't want to ask my dad or mom because...I wanted to just take a break from church stuff, too." When Nico still doesn't respond, Karolina quickly says, "Or not, you must be busy with...stuff...never mind..."

Just then the bell rings, and Karolina gratefully grabs her backpack and is about to rush out when Nico touches her arm and says, "I'd love to..."

"Really?"

"Sure. But not 'Hobbit'. After Alex insisted we have a 'Lord of the Rings' marathon, I can only take so much," Nico explains. "But I'd like to watch that new 'Hunger Games' movie? That seems bad ass..."

Karolina grins. "Cool. Dad can drop off us off at the mall and come pick us up after."

"Sounds like a plan,"Nico says with a smile.

Karolina smiles back. "See you then!"

***

She opens her sister's door then.  
At first the scene infront of her doesn't register in her mind: her sister lying on the bed, pale, lips blue, laid out so perfectly on her bed. She'd called Amy's name out, but Amy doesn't respond. Amy has always been a light sleeper. It's always been easy to wake her up. But Amy doesn't move. And her lips grow paler and blue. Nico realizes her chest isn't moving either. A cold dread grows in her stomach then, crawls up her gut, all the way to her spine. She feels her hands grow cold, feels her heart pound fast, feels her knees grow weakly and wobbly, feels like she is about to faint. She feels the world spin, feels dizzy, realizes that smell she'd first noticed when she opens the door is the unbelievable, unmistakable stench of death. 

She feels her tongue glued to the roof of her mouth. She wants to scream but finds she couldn't. She tries and tries and finally when she does, it's "Mom!" And then the panic and anxiety and sadness and fear and tears come and she feels a distant rage, white noise, a ringing in her ears and she screams and screams until her mother tells her to go to her room.

***

She doesn't remember much after that. Or tries not to, anyway. She remembers trying to call 911, then fainting. Remembers waking up and it is already night. Remembers seeing her mother, on the monitor, talking to someone. 

She remembers everything else from that time as a blur, a dream, unreal and unbelieavable. She knows her mother had taken care of the funeral, that it had been a cloudy, gray day when they laid her sister to rest, that Mrs. Leslie Dean had presided over the eulogy. She can't exactly remember what Mrs. Dean said, cannot remember the others being there, but knowing Karolina and the others were. She'd felt heavy, as if walking on water, and she couldn't breathe or talk or feel anything.

At times, even during the funeral, she half-expects Amy to suddenly appear, reveal to them that this is just a big, awful, cruel prank. She'd be in awful trouble with Tina, but she'd still be alive. Many times, she'd look around and think any minute now, Amy would appear, in her room, around the corner, at school, teasing her or hugging her or telling her how her day was.  
She remembers bits and pieces of the people gathering after the funeral, but she cannot really form a coherent picture of it. Mostly she remembers her sister, always her sister, teaching Nico how to ride a bike, her sister getting annoyed that she cut Amy's Barbie doll's hair, Amy dressing her up for Halloween, Amy helping her with her homework, Amy taking care of her. Amy, always a constant presence in her life, now gone.  
When they lowered the casket into the ground, she'd almost wanted to throw herself into the pit. The others had started to leave, but she hadn't wanted to go. Tina had put a hand on her shoulder, softly told her they had to go, but she'd angrily shook the hand away, wiped the angry tears from her eyes, snapped at her mother to leave her alone, that it was all her fault, Amy dying, because all she cared about was Wizard and nothing else. And her mother had stared at her, stung and withdrew. Her father had tried to tell her to come home, but she shook her head, told him he was just as bad as Tina was. That he allowed this to happen. Robert had looked at her, hurt and walked away. Nico had sat and watched the people finish up with her sister's grave, had sat there in the growing darkness as the cemetery emptied. Just then, she feels someone approach. She has no energy to turn, but the voice is unmistakable, Karolina.

"Hey," Karolina says softly, sitting beside her. "It's getting dark, do you want to go home now?"  
Nico doesn't answer at first, but then she shakes her head.  
Karolina doesn't say anything. Instead, she puts a jacket around Nico, puts an arm around Nico and draws her closer. Karolina doesn't say anything, which is a relief to Nico. Gert, Chase, Molly had tried to talk to her, which both annoyed and pissed her. They couldn't know what she was feeling and they shouldn't say sorry for her loss, when they're still alive and Amy isn't. They sit there not saying anything before Nico sniffs and sighs.

"It's not fair," Nico finally says.  
Karolina doesn't say anything.  
"Why did she have to die?" Nico asks then, voice broken and sad.  
Karolina only rubs her back. "I...I don't know,"Karolina says softly.  
There'd been police, investigators. They ruled out domestic violence, foul play, ruled it out as a suicide. Which made it even more painful for Nico. "They're saying she killed herself..."

Karolina doesn't respond. Then, finally, she says, "Nico..."

"But she couldn't have! I know my sister," Nico says. "She couldn't have killed herself. She had plans. She was going to go backpacking all over Europe. Get her master's and PhD. Save the world. Make a difference. Why would she kill herself?"

"Nico, I'm as surprised as you are,"Karolina says. "I guess...we can't really know someone...we don't really know someone even when we think we do..."

Nico is already shaking her head. "No, not Amy. She wouldn't do that. She was happy. She had us. Mom and Dad and me...and..."

Then the tears come and Nico cries and cries and cries, great big sobs of pain and loss and despair and Karolina just stays there beside her, rubbing her back.

They sit there for what seems like forever, Nico's hands clenched into fists at her sides, knuckles white, nails digging into her palms, body wracked by sobs, face drenched with tears. Nico felt suddenly old. So old. She feels like a glass that's been thrown against a wall, feels broken and shattered. She couldn't hear or say anything. Couldn't feel anything. She had lost the ability to perceive time, to distinguish where the past ended and where the present and future began.

She remembers Karolina saying something and Nico nodding, as if in a fog, blindly following her, to the car, to the house, to the bed. She doesn't remember the people at the house after the funeral, doesn't remember the condolences, doesn't remember anything. Her world has ended and nothing can ever, ever change that.

***

Nico would move through the next few days, weeks, months, as in a fog. In a dream. A nightmare she hopes to wake up from but never can and never will.

She locks herself up in her room those first few days, never coming out. Her parents resort to leaving dinner on a tray by the front of the door. The food always goes untouched at the end of the day. This goes on for a few days before Tina and Robert force Nico to eat but she explodes in a rage and they have to calm her. It's shock, the therapist says. Death can do that to people. Make them literally shut down. And Nico had shut down. Shut Tina and Robert out. Shut Karolina, Gert, Chase, molly, Alex out. Shut life out. Alone in her room, she keeps the curtains drawn, she lies on her side, huddled into a fetal position on the center of her bed, in her pajamas, day in and day out. She thinks maybe if she does this, maybe she'll just die herself. When that doesn't happen, she tries to take a few sleeping pills, but her mother barges in just in time, rushes her to the hospital, and in her hazy, groggy state, she could see her tear-streaked, distraught mother sobbing, her father upset, some other people, Leslie Dean maybe? In the hospital.

She is put on suicide watch for the next few days until everyone is sure she will not harm herself. Tina throws herself into her work, upgrades the smarthouse so that is can monitor Nico even better if and when Tina wanted. Nico still refuses to see her friends. Refuses to go to school. Tina arranges it so that she can still attend school and make up for what she's missed, maybe go to summer school if the school allows it.

Alex never comes. He doesn't come to the funeral. Doesn't call Nico. Alex is, was Amy's best friend. He was always hanging out with Amy. His absence and silence is glaring and noticeable. Alex was the first to go. The first to break off with the other Pride kids. He throws himself into AV Club, school work and his various hobbies. Never visits Amy's grave. Chase would go next. With Lacrosse, school work and his father, Victor, breathing down his neck, and now, with Amy's death, he feels the need to stay away from the Pride kids. Unable to express his own remorse, he hangs out with his fellow jocks, with Eiffel and the more popular crowd, leaving his childhood friends firmly in the past. Gert had always felt a bit out of place with the other Pride kids. Alex had always been super smart, Chase handsome and popular, Karolina tall and thin and beautiful and perfect, Amy intelligent and charming that Gert, who always struggled with anxiety and self-esteem issues, to begin with, felt insecure, different from the other kids in their group. And Molly, well, Molly is young and followed Gert. She had friends her own age and didn't really think too much about it. Only Karolina persisted. Karolina who would try to visit and bring food and wait outside Nico's room trying to draw her out and texting her and emailing her and trying to call her. But each time, Nico would refuse to come out when Karolina came around, refused to answer her texts and emails and calls until finally even Karolina gives up, drifts away throwing herself into church activities with renewed enthusiasm and devotion, coping with the loss of Amy in the only way she knows how: with prayers and meditation and readings from the Gibborim book. It's what keeps her together during those months.  
None of the Pride kids had ever lost someone like they lost Amy. They couldn't bear Nico's grief. And Nico couldn't bear their sympathy. Or their pity. It seemed best for everyone that they all avoid each other, cut off ties and never be friends again. Everyone feels the loss of Amy. When they lost Amy, it felt like they lost themselves and each other, too. Cutting each other off in order to cope with their loss seemed better than staying friends.

Finally, out of frustration, Tina and Robert send Nico away to Japan for a few weeks on a pretext of helping her get over the loss of her sister. In truth, it was also so that Tina and Robert could get a break. Nico had been given to screaming matches with her mother, blaming Tina for Amy's death.

"It was your fault!" Nico had bitterly accused her.."Amy's dead because of you."

"Nico..." Tina would say, tears in her eyes, unable to comfort Nico, because her pain and grief is greater than she can bear and she cannot possibly explain to Nico how Amy's death would almost kill her, too.

For everyone's sake, they needed to get Nico away, give her some space. She stays at Robert's family's house. 

Nico doesn't call them and they don't bother her. A month later Nico comes back. There's still a permanent sadness around her eyes, an emptiness around her, a lifelessness, but she isn't crying or screaming or distraught so Tina and Robert think this is a win. But she comes home in all black gothic garb, black lipstick, black eyeliner, black nail polish, pentagram trinkets on her neck, tarot cards and Wicca books on one hand, and Tina thinks this could be much worse. Nico stops talking to them, locks herself in her room, goes to her classes like a zombie, retreats from friends and acquaintances alike. It alarms everyone, but they pretty much leave her alone.

The months and years pass and everyone finishes junior high, hits senior high. Chase becomes one of the stars of the varsity Lacrosse team, starts dating Eiffel, wins All State, is named MVP, is basically king of Atlas. Alex shines in the Math Club, becomes part of the Honor Society, becomes active in the student council and in the other clubs in school. Gert dyes her hair, loses a bit of weight, declares herself a social justice warrior and campaigns for a gender neutral bathroom. And Karolina, Karolina's face starts to adorn billboards and posters and flyers and brochures and screens as Gibborim steps up its marketing. She travels to South America and Africa on church and Pride charity events and rarely participates in after school activities. 

When they see each other at school, they pretend like they were never friends. Which is good, Nico feels. It spares her awkward conversations about how she is doing. She hates it when they ask thay because everything has changed and nothing will ever be the same ever again.

Years later, on the anniversary of her sister's death, in Alex's parents' basement, another death would change Nico, Karolina, Alex, Chase,Gert and Molly's lives forever. And they realize: Amy's death had just been the beginning of something that had long been unravelling within their perfect, interconnected lives.


	10. After

It started out a beautiful day.  
Or as beautiful as it can be given today was Amy's death anniversary.

Karolina had remembered this when she woke up. In fact, it had been on her mind last night, as she thinks about Amy, how she would have been a junior at MIT or some Ivy League school now if she hadn't died, how she would have been one of its top engineering or computer whizzes, how she would have already snagged an enviable internship right now and looking forward to a six figure income after college as tech companies fight over her. Wizard would be at the top of her list obviously, but curiously, Amy had never voiced an interest in working at Wizard even though she could just as easily work for the company, since Nico has shown no interest in it. With her brilliance, she could actually just ditch college altogether - word has it Google had started knocking at her door, but nobody knew for certain whether she'd turned it down or not. Now, of course, they'll never know. Amy would've already backpacked through Europe right now and bragging about it, posting photos online, and maybe even tried her hand at volunteering in some random country like Uganda, teaching school kids basic coding or programming. Maybe she'd already have a boyfriend or two, although Karolina highly doubts it. Amy was a career student, a career jock - driven by academics and athletics. She'd have no time for a romantic life maybe. Among all of them, Amy was the most vibrant, the most alive, the most accomplished, her future still before her, so much promise and hope. She'd lived such a good life. 

But then again, the cost of living, afterall, is dying.

Karolina felt sad at that.

Most of all, she thinks, had Amy lived, Nico would've turned out differently, less angry, less anti-social, less whatever she is right now. Maybe Karolina and Nico would still be friends.

Nico.

There's not a day that goes by that she doesn't think about Nico. How Nico is. What she's doing. If she's happy. If she's okay. If she's ever gotten over Amy's death. Even Karolina knows the answer to that. Nico carries Amy's death around her shoulders like a heavy burden, a dark cloud that's given her that permanent sadness around her eyes. It's as if a light had gone out of her eyes when Amy died. It's as if Nico also died when Amy died. And the Nico she sees around school now is not the same Nico but some doppelganger in goth and black make-up, someone she barely knows at all. And the worst part of course is when Nico ignores her and the others, too, like she doesn't know them, like they weren't even friends at all. And that hurt Karolina. When Amy died, they hadn't just lost her, they lost Nico, too. And each other. 

Death, of course, had changed Nico. Like death had changed Karolina. Had changed everybody. Death had changed everything.  


morbid thoughts, Dean, Karolina tells herself. She sighs, rolls out of her bed, does a few stretches, a little guided meditation with the help of her mother's voice, then showers and dresses and heads to the Gibborim Church for the morning service. She would have school after.

Only early in the morning, the day just beginning but already she just wants it to end.

But then maybe it gets better.

***

It doesn't.

She'd been annoyed at her mother that morning. After the service, she'd asked her mother if she could go on a field trip. Leslie had refused because of some Vanity Fair interview later. She's the "millenial face" of the church and needed to be there for the interview. She hates it when her mother makes plans for her without letting her know, expecting her to always be at her beck and call, ready to do things for her even when she has something else to do. The worst part is as she tells this to her mother, her mother doesn't seem to listen, is already eyeing a church member behind her. Karolina almost says "Fuck" under her breath but she stops herself in time. She isn't supposed to encourage that negativity. So she just drives to school.

***

As Karolina walks through school, she gets those strange, intense stares from schoolmates - from boys and girls alike - that both puzzle her and made her a little bit uncomfortable. She'd noticed this even more when she hit junior high, and once or twice, she'd even caught Nico staring at her like that, but she hadn't thought too much about it. She was used to intense, vaguely puzzled stares from non-Gibborim members. 

She spots Chase Stein then, with his jock friends and Eiffel and she smiles, tells them to have a beautiful day. She'd already gotten over her little argument with her mother at the church and is looking forward to the rest of the day. Someone had posted a party somewhere in downtown L.A. and she'd resolved to go. She'd just wanted to get away from her mom for awhile. Lately she'd been feeling suffocated, feeling stuffy, her mother always checking what clothes she's wearing, what make-up she's put on, her shoes, even her hair. Her hair just has to be just right, not too curly, not too straight, just the right length, shiny and properly combed, no hair out of place. Once, envious of Nico taking karate lessons, she'd asked if she could take Taekwondo or karate lessons and Leslie and her PR team had shut that down and told her it wasn't part of the "brand", that taking self-defense lessons implied that Karolina needed more than the light to protection.

"It's not about that," Karolina had reasoned then. "I just want to be able to fight..."

Leslie had shaken her head vehemently at that and Karolina had to accept it.

Even the choice of car had been a big deal - nothing too ostentatious, like a big, gas guzzling SUV, which wasn't also on brand for Karolina. She'd been annoyed at that. She hadn't wanted an SUV for her birthday, she's perfectly happy using Lyft, but them buying her a car based on what image it projected of her irritated her.  
When she'd tried to hang out with kids other than Nico and the other Pride kids after Amy's death and the group had fell apart, Leslie had made a big deal about it. They had to be clean cut, All-American, honor society kids with 4.0 GPAs who at least had to be a member of the church. That limited her options a bit. And although she loved her church, lately she'd been wanting a separate life outside the church, hence the excitement at going to some random party downtown later.

The worst part was dating. At first, she hadn't been allowed to date. She, like the rest of the youth members had pledged to be pure until their wedding day and they'd been given purity rings to wear for the occassion. In junior high, she was okay with it, but lately she'd been feeling like it was a weird thing to have the church kids swear their purity. There were even audit sessions where each young member was interviewed about these things and Karolina had started to think of them as tedious. Over the summer, over at church camp, there had been some nice young man who'd befriended her and they'd go out for long walks or go boating in the lake or eat lunch together or watch a movie over the weekend. The guy was nice, and over one walk in the woods, under a starry sky, with the moon full and bright, he'd kissed her. The kiss was nice, although it was awkward and it had caught Karolina by surprise. She'd half expected though to feel those feelings she'd read about in the romance novels her mother had banned her from reading - the excitement, the world falling away, being enveloped with warmth and affection for the other person, the whole gamut of emotions a first kiss entailed. But none of that happened. In fact, it felt mundane, anti-climactic. She was more aware of the smell of onion on his breath, of the dinner they'd just had, of the tickle of his stubble against her lips, his teeth crashing against hers, his tongue awkwardly probing her mouth, his hands caressing her arms, the cold breeze creating goosebumps against her skin, the crickets chirping around them. When his hands enclose her and pull her against him, beginning their journey up the small of her back, she'd decided she'd had enough and gently pushed him away, told him she wasn't ready. He does not insist He only nods and takes her back to the camp and their friendship quietly fades away for the rest of the summer. The next guy who'd try to ask her out was a tall, blond-haired boy who'd joined their weekly youth ministry meetings. He'd wanted to impress her by trying to swallow a light bulb. She'd turned him down but he had been persistent. She'd finally gone out with him for coffee but found herself bored and restless even before the coffee they ordered had arrived. She'd left even before he could try to kiss her. There'd been other guys who'd asked out her out.Guys from school or at church, and sometimes she'd say yes, most times she'd say no, her excuse being she has some church activity or other. The few who'd managed to get her to say yes to dinner and a movie have had the additional hurdle of surviving under the intense, critical eye of Leslie Dean or the equally intense, aggressive, almost territorial glare Frank Dean throws his way as they interrogate him - family background, interests, future plans and so on until they wither and cower from the interrogating and aggressive questioning so much so that they're afraid to even do so much as touch Karolina, much less kiss her until finally the guys stop asking her out and Karolina, grateful, is relieved, that they do. Honestly, she hadn't really been into it all that much anyway. Gert would say good for her for trying not to conform to the gender norms and expectations expected of young, straight women, and Karolina would probably agree. But it's not even that, she thinks.  
There's a part of her that wonders why she doesn't get as excited or exhilirated as other young women should be when some guy shows them attention or showers them affection. A part of her should be flattered that guys like her, although she'd never really thought much about it. Guys always seem to just be drawn towards her, even when she was younger. She'd assumed this was normal and never really thought too much or cared about it. But lately she'd been wondering if there's something wrong with her. Especially today when she'd seen Nico sitting cross-legged by the quad in her now trademark goth get up, earphones in her ear, leaning over a book, shades on her and Karolina'd felt her heart skip a beat, felt her hands go clammy, felt her knees go weak, the butterflies flutter in her stomach. She'd wondered, not for the first time, why lately whenever she'd see Nico her pulse would race so quickly, wondered why it did do, wondered then if she's unnatural, if she's a freak, if she's strange for not feeling the same normal feelings other young women her age feel and whether she'd be condemned to the darkness for this. She glances at her Gibborim bracelet, feels its weight against her wrist, feels its heaviness, the burden its been for the past few years. She'd never taken it off, but lately she'd been fantasizing about taking it off. Lately, she'd been feeling as if it were some kind of shackle and she suddenly has the urge to take it off, to break free from it. Lately, she'd felt a growing resentment for the bracelet, for it symbolized everything that she is, who and what she is and she could see her life, stretching before her, defined by her faith and her mother and her expecations.

Karolina frowns and walks by Nico, pushing down what confusion and anxiety and discomfort seeing her had induced in her she's feeling and heads to homeroom. Where Nico also is, standing behind her, ignoring everyone else and focusing on her books.

***

Nico overhears the argument between Gert and Karolina in homeroom.

It had started out with Alex coming over to Chase. That at least had been new. Alex hadn't talked to anyone, actively avoided everyone, especially her, since Amy died. Amy. The thought of her late sister still feels like a stab in the chest even now, years after her death. Nico is hyper aware of the hole that Amy had left when she died, now even more so on the anniversary of her death. She'd promised Amy she'd never forget her, that she'd keep her memory alive and she carries thoughts of Amy around with her, especially now on the day of the anniversary of her death. She tries to read the spell in the book she'd brought to school, mentally checks off the things on her list before the ritual tonight, but can't seem to concentrate because she could feel Alex staring at her from where he is standing behind her. She knows Alex knows it's her sister's death anniversary. Alex had been close to Amy. Almost like best friends. He wouldn't have forgotten today. She ignores him.  
She watches him out of the corner of her eye as he casually walks to Chase's table. Chase Stein, clean-cut, muscled and jacked up on protein powder, on his Wiztab drawing what she assumes is his handblasters that he has not stopped talking about since they were kids. She's sure Alex, nerd that he is, will say some appropriately geeky quote straight out of some shit like Star Wars or Lord of the Rings or Dr.Who. Dorks. She's curious about what they're talking about but pretends not to be interested. She sees Gert walk up to them and knits her eyebrows. Gert Yorkes hasn't talked to either of them in ages as well. Then Karolina joins them, chats with them,and Nico looks at her, without her noticing.

Karolina Dean, tall and thin and lithe, standing with the others chatting with them. She'd seen her earlier, making her way through the Atlas quad, in a simple shirt and jeans and jacket, a genuine smile permanently plastered on her face, as she greets classmates, acquaintances, strangers alike with a smile and a cheerful "Have a beautiful day!" She sees her smiling at Chase, sees her take a selfie, and it hits Nico then.  
One could see now - how could anyone not notice? - that Karolina has grown even more beautiful. She has delicate skin, a flawless complexion, a beguiling face, blue, blue eyes, animate under perfectly trimmed eyebrows, long lashes. The height - at seventeen already five foot nine - the long arms and legs, the angular shoulders, were arresting, undeniably attractive. At times, when she sees Karolina, she feels diminished by how tall she is. This doesn't stop her though from wanting to reach out and touch Karolina's hair, maybe even tuck it behind her ear, the curve of which she imagines tracing with her finger.

Nico is surprised by these idle thoughts. But as she looks up from her book, she finds herself transfixed, staring at Karolina, thinking again how gorgeous she looks before she realizes what she's doing, chides herself for her idle thoughts, feels the guilt in her gut, realizes she should be focusing on Amy, her death and the spell she's trying to figure out. So she quickly looks down at her book. She hears snatches of the conversation, Karolina defending her church, Gert saying churches are oppressive to women, Karolina retorting with her mom running her church and how Gert likes taking down women.

"No, not everyone, just the ones walking around pretending to be happy all the time,"Gert retorts.  
"At least I'm trying, when was the last time you took a shower?" Karolina claps back and leaves.  
Nico almost smiles at the exchange. Karolina standing up to Gert is always a thing to behold. The two used to bicker when they were younger and Nico is  
As Karolina walks away, she can't help but catch a glimpse of her backside, and see the firmness of her ass, firm and small and tight in her tight jeans.

Nico blushes. What the fuck?  
Just then the bell rings and Nico grabs her pack and leaves.

***

Except Nico can't seem to avoid Karolina. In the toilet later, upset with Alex reminding her again of Amy's death and what she'd lost, she'd felt the tears again and had made her way to the restroom, to cry in peace.

In the restroom, she pauses infront of the mirror, sees the lines under her eyes, sees the exhaustion lining her face, sees the sadness in her face, the emptiness in her eyes and her face crumples up. She feels the sobs coming up but then one of the cubicles opens up and to her surprise it's Karolina, with red-rimmed eyes and a red nose, sniffling as she mumbles about an allergy to pollen that they both know Karolina doesn't have. But she nods anyway, says she's heard about that, and starts to fix her make-up. She thinks Karolina will leave, but she just stands behind her, staring at her, and Nico feels uncomfortable. There's something unsettling in Karolina's gaze, blue eyes that seem to be boring into her soul. She squirms under that gaze, before she not so rudely says, "If you want a tutorial, check youtube." 

Karolina apologizes and says, "It's just...you don't need to hide your face behind all that make-up."  
Nico doesn't know why she responds the way she does. She thinks she just can't help herself. Is reminded of the ache in her being, caused by her sister's loss and she still thinks it's not fair that her sister is still gone and everybody else is still here. She thinks she resents what Karolina has said and says, "Some people hide behind make-up, some behind a smile," she smiles bitterly. "Still hiding. See?"

She grabs her bag and leaves, not daring to look back.

She is so done with everything. With everyone. With all of this.  
But then a text from Alex, and a trip down the Wilder mansion basements forces her to look at things differently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers, 
> 
> Now that the background is done, going to explore seasons 1 to season 3, explore how the attraction between Karolina and Nico developed, since the show didn't really develop it much. Wanted to show how Nico, who'd been spending more time with Alex up to that point where Karolina kisses her at the dance, would choose Karolina over Alex (aside from, you know, Alex lying to her). Thank you for staying with this story. Hope you're enjoying it so far. Cheers!


	11. The Revelation

She doesn't even know why she's at this party. 

She feels her pulse race, feels her hands go cold, feels the anxiety at the pit of her stomach. She suddenly feels out of place, and even out of her Gibborim garb, in her mini-skirt and blouse and flannel shirt, she feels like she's sticking out like a sore thumb. As the music pulses around her and other young people scream and jump around and dance and drink and laugh and writhe all around her she feels a bit scared, a bit overwhelmed, like she's way in over her head. 

It seemed like a good idea this morning, coming to this party. A way to spite her mother. A way to rebel against her and the church and all that it's made her out to be.  
She'd remembered the Vanity Fair interview this afternoon and though she knows she did well, judging by the approving looks of their PR team, she can't help but feel empty, confused at her feelings. She'd seen Destiny Gonzalez then, the girl with the face tattoos stop and look at her, wanting to talk to her. She had come up to Karolina and thanked the church and her mother for everything they've done for her. Karolina had listened, smiling approvingly, encouragingly, knowing without a doubt that the church and her mother have done some good in the world, but sometimes, like that moment, she feels a moment of doubt and uncertainty, wondering about her own faith and how she feels about it. She'd thought about how other religions seem to have something tangible or concrete to worship: Christianity and its various versions (it's hard to keep up) has God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, the Virgin Mary (how can she still be referred to as a virgin if she'd already given birth to a child, Karolina wonders) and their various saints, Islam has Allah and Mohammed the Prophet, Buddhism had Buddha (although is it a religion? Karolina isn't sure), Hinduism has its many gods...and the Church of Gibborim has...lights. She can't blame people for making fun of her church, thinking they worship a lightbulb. It's hard enough to explain what the Church of Gibborim is all about. She'd always just never questioned it or thought too deeply about it. Lately though, she'd been having this urge not just to learn even more about her church, but other religions, too. Her mother wouldn't approve of it though, she already knows it. The church can be notoriously secretive, even the audits and the Ultra program were a bit beyond her. She wonders sometimes what the church and her mother's impact to society really are, because sometimes she cannot really reconcile the church that the world sees and the one that she's grown up with. Seeing Destiny with her tattoos and everything else had given Karolina a rush of excitement. Destiny is everything she isn't, she represented a life, a freedom Karolina is beginning to realize she may never have. She'd embarassed herself asking Destiny what it was like to do the things she's done and Destiny had just looked at her, confused and polite, and Karolina had been disappointed knowing Destiny didn't understand her, could only see Karolina Dean, Leslie Dean's daughter. 

Someone hands her a pill at the party. She's young and stupid and curious and feeling rebellious and this is the first real rebellious thing she's ever done. Someone hands her a red cup and she gulps it down and starts to dance to the pulsating bass beat, enjoying the heat and the noise and the lights and the laughter, enjoying not being Karolina Dean, perfect church girl, but just Karolina, teenager. She dances in wild abandon, knowing nobody knows her here so she can let loose and have fun and be herself.  
There are two women in front of her then. At first they are just dancing, slowly, impossibly close, gyrating and thrusting, arms around each other, but then they start kissing and Karolina sees them and she freezes. She stops, stares, transfixed, unable to take her eyes off of them. She knows it's rude to stare but she can't help it and she thinks they don't really mind or care or even notice that they have an audience. 

As she stares at them, Karolina feels her hands grow cold, feels her knees grow weak, feels her heart start to pound so hard against her chest, feels something slowly dawning on her. She suddenly realizes where the moodiness, the irritation, the restlessness, the anxiety and confusion might be coming from. Suddenly something clicks inside her. Is she gay? Is this why she's not interested in guys? Why she's gone on several dates with guys but could not bring it in herself to be interested in them? She'd always thought maybe she just hadn't found the right guy, as they keep saying, but looking at the two women kissing, she realizes something that she's long denied in herself, had pushed down and buried deep beneath her consciousness because she's supposed to be the good and perfect church girl: that maybe she's gay and she likes women. She remembers the kindergarten teacher she'd liked - beautiful Ms. Lopez with her flowery pastel dresses and inexpensive perfume and her smile, Annie from first grade with her red hair and freckles and pretty eyes, Maria from church, with her olive skin and almond shaped eyes and her curly hair and...Nico. Nico? Oh, god, Nico. Does she like Nico that way? She blushes. No, no way. But still...Was this the reason she always feels anxious when she sees Nico? Feels her heart flutter? Feels like a hundred butterflies flying in her stomach? Is this why she'd told Nico earlier today in the bathroom that Nico didn't have to hide her face behind make-up? That she's beautiful even without it? She'd surprised and embarassed herself with how forward she'd been with her. She'd watched, over the years, as the Nico she'd known morphed into this permanently angry, detached, black-clad, goth made-up girl and wondered where the real girl had been, the one she'd known from childhood, the one she'd joked with, did science experiments with, watched the stars with, hang out and played games with, the one she'd talked with or sometimes just shared moments and silences with. She'd always found Nico attractive. She'd never been able to explain it. She'd always felt drawn to her. She hadn't understood it and like everything else, had just never thought too much about it. She feels the anxiety and confusion recede, gradually replaced by clarity and understanding. She still isn't sure if she really is gay, but looking at the two women making out with wild abandon, she knows, with increasing certainty, that she might be. A sadness dawns on her, feeling like something is changing within her, and she's saying goodbye to someone or something she's known her whole life. But she feels exhilirated as well. The revelation feels like a light shining through a dark patch of her being she didn't even know was there. She absently reaches for her wrist, scratches around the bracelet she's always worn and has never taken off. She touches the bracelet, suddenly has an idea. No, it's stupid. She shouldn't. What if lightning strikes her? Or a horde of Gibborim members suddenly appear and arrest her? Worse, what if her mom magically appears and grounds her for life? Oh, screw it. It feels good thinking that. She grabs the bracelet, feels her heart beating fast, feels a buzzing in her ears, feels the world slowly spinning as she takes off her bracelet and pockets it. Almost immediately and to her surprise and awe, her hands start to glow. Bright rainbow colors that shimmer and glow and shift from one color to the next. She stares at her hands, fascinated. What the hell? She thinks, but also, cool! she thinks as she waves her hands in front of her and sees colors form in the wake of her hand motions. She keeps waving her hands and swaying to the beat and the laughter and screams and music grow distorted and her heart pounds impossibly faster and she can't seem to breathe and the world spins faster and faster and she blinks and feels the world pull away and then there's darkness as the ground claims her.

***

When Karolina comes to, she's still in the middle of the crowded dancefloor, but a circle of people has formed, peering at her curiously, and the dancing has stopped and the people are quiet, only the beat pounding against her head and in front of her, hovering above her, is Chase, holding her wrist and her bracelet. From the corner of her eye, she vaguely sees a couple of guys making their way through the crowd, screaming "You're fucking dead, Stein!" But Chase isn't hearing them as he peers at Karolina, concern in his eyes. She could see something else there, too, anger, but she doesn't think it's directed at her.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"What happened?" she mumbles, as she accepts Chase's hand and allows herself to be pulled up.

As she stands up, Chase says, "Yeah, break it up, guys, nothing to see here, thanks!" To Karolina, he says, "Um, you fell..."

As the crowd part to let them through, some of the curious party goers start to dance again. Karolina feels self-conscious as people stare curiously at her. She catches some of them leaning over and whispering and she fights hard not to blush. Then she catches a glimpse of the two young women making out earlier, looking at her and she blushes at the attention. She turns and follows Chase out.

As they make their way to the streets, Karolina tells him the last thing she remembers was lights before she passed out.

"Yeah, it's called drugs," Chase says. "Clearly you took some strong shit."

When they spot Karolina's Lyft, she asks Chase to go with her. She's feeling cold and shaken and confused, and she doesn't want to be alone. She admits as much to Chase. She doesn't want to go home. Anywhere but home.  
As she makes room inside the car for Chase, she stares at the pill before throwing it away. They both receive a picture message from Alex and suddenly realize where they can go. They instruct the driver and leave.

At least there's not going to be any chance of her seeing Nico at the Wilder Mansion. Nico is notoriously anti-social and wouldn't be caught dead hanging out with them, especially on the eve of Amy's death anniversary. 

Which is why when they arrive at the Wilder Mansion, she's surprised to see Nico Minoru, asking everyone, "Got room for one more?"

Oh, crap, Karolina thinks.  
Now she has to process what she's just realized about herself and be in the same room as the girl she may or may not have a crush on. Perfect. 

Little does Karolina know this isn't the first revelation of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, changed the scene a bit about the attempted sexual assault - because that scene felt a bit off and took away from Karolina's realizations about herself and made it a bit about how realizing you're gay=sexual assault target. Also switched up POVs to explore Karolina's inner life as well. Hope you enjoyed. +Comments and kudos welcome. Cheers!


	12. Destiny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, fellow fans.
> 
> Hope you're all doing well with the self-isolation/quarantine/lockdown happening.
> 
> Here's a new chap to tide you over. Happy reading!

Karolina sits on one of the sofas, legs crossed at the knee, fidgeting with her fingers, feeling anxious and awkward. Gert and Molly are sitting on her right, Chase and Alex standing to her left, and out of the corner of her eye, she could see Nico, looking at her feet. Karolina tries not to be distracted by Nico.

In a few minutes, they start arguing. To Karolina's credit, Gert started it (what is she, twelve?) telling her pointedly, "It's hard to stay friends when all you care about is being the perfect church girl." And how is she not going to respond to that? She isn't going to take that lying down. Gert always knew how to push her buttons. So she knew how to push back: "Better than being an insufferable justice warrior" that shuts Gert up. From there, Alex calls Chase a dumb jock (much like Karolina and Gert, Alex and Chase always seemed at odds), Chase retaliates, and then everyone shuts up when Nico speaks up. "Or me. Whatever I am, I'm not Amy..." And then a deafening silence descends on them and everyone is reminded why they are here in the first place:Amy. And then before everyone knows it, Chase is sarcastically thanking Alex for the pizza and sadness and everyone's made up their mind to go home. In the back of her mind, Karolina thinks they really probably worked well with Amy around. Amy is older and wiser and a natural born leader and she kept everyone in line and called people out when they were being mean or terrible. But then she realizes Amy is gone and they're older now and someone has to step up and do what Amy used to do. They need to stay and talk it through like and figure it out like adults otherwise they'd live the rest of their lives being bitter and resentful and hating each other for it. And so she does. She admits she isn't okay, is sick of pretending she is and convinces everyone to stay and figure it out. Chase agrees but only if there is alcohol involved and since he'd agreed, everyone else decides to stay.

***

Except Karolina wishes she hadn't stayed.

Because if she hadn't, then she wouldn't have found out about the Wilders' secret lair that doubles as a murder room, Destiny Gonzalez, and their parents straight up murdering her.

But Chase just had to have his drink - she'd long suspected he low key had a drinking problem - and Alex, being Alex, had to insist on using coasters, and said coasters opened a secret lair which Karolina first thought was some kind of secret religious lair, created, much like in the Dark Ages, for people being persecuted to hide away from oppressive regimes. Except Gert was right - it's Brentwood, not Medieval Europe. Alex just had to dorkily quip that it's some "Narnia shit".

It turns out it's more than that.

***

It's deep within the guest house, a nice, long, deep seemingly endless tunnel that finally gives way to some sort of study, below which reveals their parents, minus her dad Frank, in strange, head-to-toe hooded robes, in the middle of which is a white-clad young woman. As they all surround her and overwhelm her, Karolina can't help the dread and anxiety forming in her gut.  
"I know that girl!" she cries and their parents thankfully do not hear her.

Then Molly tries to see and take a picture and her phone's camera flashes, the parents turn and all hell breaks lose.

***

They scramble up the stairs then, hearts pounding, breaking out into a cold sweat, the fear and adrenaline and confusion powering them, afraid they'd be next. Karolina knows one fears the unknown and it's the first time she's seen a side of her mother - this person capable of cold-blooded murder - that's given her a new kind of deep, dark fear. As her shoes pound against the ground, all she can think of is, it can't be. Not her mother. Please not her mother. Please. Because if her mother, the woman who she'd looked up to, despite her controlling nature, has a deep, dark side, what then of the rest of the world?

She and the others finally get out of the tunnel, and into the guest room and Alex comes up with the idea of shutting off the power as they run back to the other house. As they think about what to do next, Karolina tells them they could pretend to play twister, just to distract the parents. Everyone else agrees and that's how Geoffrey and Catherine Wilder find them, Karolina on the mat, Gert, Alex, Chase and Nico tangled with her. Everyone is nervous and anxious but the Wilders buy it and they get a reprieve.  
Karolina's heart is pounding so wildly against her chest she can barely talk, faking a smile and a laugh for the Wilders' benefits.

The rest of the night goes by as if nothing has happened and Karolina and the others mingle with their parents. Alex tells them to act normal, although she doesn't really know how. There's so much going on in her mind. She looks at her mother, smiles emptily, but she cannot forget the robes, the light, the girl, Destiny, in the middle of everyone. What were they doing? Was it a ritual sacrifice? Why did they need to do that? Is that what the Gibborim Church really about? Or is it a front for something more sinister? Had they killed the girl? Karolina had swallowed. Her mother, tall and elegant, errant freckles on cheeks and arms, in her nice, expensive, but low key designer outfit, hair perfectly made, make-up always perfect, stands around talking to the others and Karolina can't help but look at her from time to time, seeing this new side of her revealed. Had she always been like this? There'd been something always cold and controlled, distant and calculating about her mother, and Karolina hadn't felt as comfortable with her as she did with her father. Her father, a former teen heartthrob, knew how to charm the ladies and for the longest time, Karolina had been the apple of his eye, completely devoted to her, doting on her. A pang settles on her. Lately, her father had been busy trying to get back to a career built on teen roles that had long dried up once he'd grown old and gotten wrinkles that no amount of botox or make-up could hide. For a time he'd tried independent films but that hadn't panned out, tried television but the shows that he did kept never getting past the pilot episode or got cancelled after a few episodes or a season and he hadn't much luck on the big screen as well with his attempts to have himself rebranded as an action star or a romantic lead. Hollywood insiders had gossiped about his range, limited talent, his face, face just too bland for a main role on a major blockbuster. His agent had been assuring him he'd get over this slump but it had been going on for more than ten years now and Karolina could see the strain in him and the strain in his relationship with her mother. It must be hard to live in the shadow of her mother, powerful and influential as she is. Karolina could sense sometimes the subtle disdain coming from her mother for her dad and she'd felt sorry for her father. Lately, he'd been more focused on the church. She'd wondered why he'd never joined any of the Pride meetings, like the one right now, but on some level she's relieved he isn't part of any of this.

Looking around, she sees all the other parents with new eyes. Dale and Stacey Yorkes, the designated, token hipster parents, people she thought would never hurt a fly were down there, as well as Catherine Wilder, a lawyer who felt strongly about defending people and Geoffrey Wilder, who'd never forgotten about his roots and always made it a point to donate to the poor, and even Robert Minoru, who Karolina thought had always been a gentle, kind man, who always smiled when she came for visit, always cooked their meals and made sure she was comfortable and Tina Minoru, who'd always been nice to her, too, even though she'd changed when Amy had died and was never the same after that. Karolina feels betrayed, deceived, her mother having deceived her her whole life. A number of emotions go through her, anger, disappointment, sadness, confusion, betrayal, anger, fear. Fear of what her mother and the rest of their parents could do to them. She swallows, tries to smile, tries to listen to the conversation around her, finds it hard to concentrate. She looks around, sees that the other kids are also distracted. She catches Nico's eye and Nico smiles at her and Karolina's heart skips a beat and she is even more confused. 

Then the party breaks up, and her mother takes her home and in the car, her mother thankfully is quiet and Karolina is thankful as she looks out the window, sees the streets of Brentwood in the darkness.

It's a lie. 

It's all a lie.

Her whole life is a lie.

Karolina can't wrap her head around it.

Later, she makes her way down the pool, sits beside it, phone in hand, just staring into her reflection on the water. Her mother, looking for all the world like the ordinary mom that she isn't, comes to remind her not to stay out too late and she nods, barely hearing her mother.

She watches her mother make her way back to the house. Then she stares at the water again, looks at her hand, wonders if the lights she's seen on her hands was a trick or if it was real. Then, there's the other thing: seeing those two women kissing and realizing something, feeling something clicking in place. She closes her eyes, massages her forehead with her fingers, feels a headache coming on. She takes out her phone, hesitates, thumb hovering over the search engine. She sighs, types the words, looks around even though nobody is around to check on what she's searching for. Her search results yield what she is trying to find and she feels the embarassment flare up. But who was she going to ask? Her dad? Her mom? She cringes. She can't think of people she can ask about this. Not even Vaughn. She doesn't think she can even go to the school counselor without it being a big deal. She is, afterall, the "millenial face" of the church. What would people say if the millenial face thinks she's gay? She runs a shaking hand on her wavy, blonde hair, looks away, into the distance, before turning back to her phone. She scrolls through it. There's nothing on the web that she hasn't already suspected about herself or doesn't already know about herself:physical and sexual attraction to people of the same sex. She'd always thought it natural but realizes now it isn't. She isn't ashamed of it though, she already knows this, too, but she isn't necessarily sure it's a welcome revelation about herself. There've been advances on the rights of gay people and they can get married now, but she's more concerned about acceptance. Will her mom and dad accept her? How will the squeaky clean church accept her? Will she be able to deal with individuals who don't like gay people? She's heard the horror stories. And looking at Nico makes her realize she has a stupid unrequited crush that will likely never be reciprocated. Nico is straight and will never give her the light of day. She knows this isn't the first time she'll go through this and it wouldn't be the last. What she would give to be straight instead, to be normal, to just be able to look at a guy and feel an instant attraction and get it over with. It would be better. Less complicated. But she looks at Nico and she knows she's not straight. Never has been. She knows that now. She curses, wonders what she's going to do, now that there's so much going on.  
Alex texts her then and the others, assuring them not to worry, that they'll figure it out. Karolina stares at her phone, not quite believing it's going to be okay, but hoping against all hope that it will be. She texts Destiny, asking her where she is, but Destiny doesn't reply and she decides to go to bed, trying to read the Book of Gibborim and failing and lies awake staring at the ceiling before sleep claims her. Later that night, Karolina dreams of hooded, velvet robed faceless people, a faceless girl with star tattoos and a faceless girl clad in black, holding a staff and she squints her eyes and the faceless girl becomes Nico and then Nico moves as if someone's shoved her from the back and she suddenly turns to light and explodes and Karolina wakes up sweating and confused, staring at her hands and wondering what it means. It takes her awhile to get back to sleep.

***

She wakes up to another clear day and for a second she's forgotten what happened at the party, and at the Wilders' and Destiny Gonzalez and her dream, but they all come rushing back and she feels confused and anxious again and decides to meditate. In the middle of her meditation, Destiny texts her, she spies some posts about Chase from his Lacrosse teammates, her mom comes in to talk to her and she goes to school.  
It feels like any other ordinary day, but it isn't.

Nothing is the same. And nothing is at seems.

***

In the space of a few days, Karolina spends more time with the other Pride kids, more time than they'd spent since Amy died. 

They meet at the beach and when she announces that Destiny has texted her, everyone greets that with skepticism. Alex assigns everyone tasks to investigate, Chase eagerly wanting to work with her, Alex shooting that down and Gert stepping in, eagerly offering to partner with Chase. Karolina resists the urge to roll her eyes. She's suspected Chase likes her, but up until recently she hasn't realized just how much he's liked her. She's suspected Gert has had a crush on Chase as well but for how long she isn't sure. She eyes Nico from the corner of her eye, eyes wandering down bare legs and she swallows. Yep, gay.  
She speaks to Chase about the LaCrosse team posts online but Chase downplays it, assures her it's nothing.

***

A fight between Chase and the other team players, with Eiffel mocking he ane blaming her, makes her realize, with growing fear that something bad might had happened to her at the party.  
She doesn't know what to think. She wants to scream. To cry. To disappear. She walks down the halls of Atlas and sees the other kids looking at her with knowing, smug looks at her and smirks, as if they know something she doesn't. In the classroom, in the cafeteria, in the quad, the others giggle and whisper as they look at her, tap something on their phone. She can't help but be paranoid. She scrolls through her social media but finds nothing. Still, she can't take what Eiffel has said out of her mind.

To take her mind off of it, she invites Gert home, but not before Gert's friends - later Gert tells her they're not - call her a blondie, and tells her off, disdain clear in their eyes.  
She has never felt more alone in her life, feels like she wants to cry. 

But then Gert runs after her and they end up at home, going over her mother's things, hoping they could find something that would help shed light on what her mother is doing with Destiny and the other kids. She is feeling optimistic. Maybe her mother and the other members of Pride are helping these young women go Ultra but she still isn't sure. She still feels hopeful that maybe her mother isn't the murderer that the others might think she is. They find some files on her mother's laptop and with the help of Alex's party favors, saves the files for Alex to unlock.  
Later, Chase comes to tell her what really happened at the party and she feels a cold dread creep up her spine, gripping her heart, making her heart beat fast. Her hands feel clammy, her knees feel weak. Other people might say, nothing really happened, but the thought that something almost did, makes her want to vomit. She wants to cry, but mostly she wants to get angry, at herself, for wanting to be free and wanting to go to the party in the first place and those guys, for thinking of her as some mere object that they could just touch and violate and do with as they will. Later, she realizes that's what she feels: violated. Unclean. She'd guarded herself and her body vigilantly. Not because the Gibborim church preached purity but because she'd wanted her first time to be special and she'd wanted it to be with someone special, not some smarmy, sleazy LaCrosse jokes who had no qualms about assaulting an unconscious woman. She wants to complain. To go to the principal and report them. Or to the coach and get them off the team. But would they believe her? Nothing happened anyway, they'd say. And the school worships their jocks and overachieving nerds with equal measure. Would she, an ordinary student, have a chance? She could tell her mom, but that would open a whole other can of worms. For one, people already had mixed views of the church, for another, the tabloid would have a field day over this and her classmates will, too. For another, she doesn't know what her mother would do. She could tell her dad,but knowing him, he'd probably come to school and beat them up. She wouldn't be able to look anyone in the eye at school without them either blaming her or doubting her. And she knows there will be people who will ask what she was doing at a party anyway, ask why she would be drinking or taking a pill, why she was wearing a skirt, why she was there, all alone, at all. She would be blamed, she knows. It would be all her fault. She deflates.

She wants a do-over. If she could turn back time, she wouldn't go. She'd have stayed home. Went somewhere else.  
Chase reaches out, puts a hand on her shoulder. She flinches and Chase removes his hand, mutters "Sorry".  
She looks at Chase then, eyes earnest and eager to please. He'd told her he'd quit the team because of it and she'd felt guilty about that. She decides then and there to tell him her secret. Locked in her room, with the curtains drawn, she makes him promise not to freak out, that if she faints, she needs him to be there, that she'd been dying to do this but is afraid to do so. She feels her stomach flutter as she reaches for her bracelet. She's nervous but she needs to know and she needs Chase to be there to confirm.

When she takes off her bracelet, her whole body lights up like a rainbow. Chase's eyes widen and he takes a step back in surprise. But as she watches him, he doesn't seem afraid, just looks at her in wonder and awe, asking her what it feels like. Warm, she says, and not at all dangerous. When Chase cautiously comes closer and touches her, Karolina feels his warmth and his acceptance. He isn't disgusted by what or who she is. In fact, he is fascinated, and it makes her feel a little bit less apprehensive, a little bit less anxious. She'd wanted to try to see how someone like Chase, someone she isn't necessarily close to, would react to her lights before she'd reveal it to someone who really mattered to her, like Nico. She blushes at that. But thankfully Chase doesn't notice and the rest of the time is spent answering Chase's questions: When did you find out? How did you find out? What else can you do? Were you born with it? Is it some sort of mutation? Which of your parents gave it to you? The first two questions she could answer truthfully, the rest she doesn't know how, but it gives her an idea about what other questions to ask of herself and, hopefully, of her mom, when all this is over. Chase does give her the idea, right before he leaves, that the necklace could be an inhibitor that stops her from glowing - and that idea, that implication that her mother had known all this time and had a necklace made just to inhibit her...powers, calls into question what else her mother had kept from her.

She thinks about this later that night, while trying to read the Gibborim holy book. But all she can think of is her mom and dad and what else they know about her and her powers. Why did they hide it from her? Why did they lie to her? Who did she get it from? Did she get it from her mother? Her father? Her grandfather? To the best of her knowledge, neither of her parents lit up - she'd have known, she'd lived with them for seventeen years, it would've been impossible for either of them to keep it from her. Plus her father had never been good at keeping secrets like that. Or is he? He's an actor after all. Could she have gotten it from her grandfather? Some of these genetic anomalies can skip a generation. Oh, god, did her grandfather create a whole religion to protect her? Did he know? A sinking feeling grows in her and she drops the book, thinking. Her powers - because, she has to face it - it's powers - have so many implications, including the fact that not only is her life built on a lie, so is her religion, and everything else.

She hears laughter outside and goes out to check it. It's her mom and dad having some wine and laughter by the pool. Nico calls her then and tells her Alex had cracked Leslie's files and had revealed that Leslie had been choosing the victims for the sacrifice for the past few years.

She looks at her mother with growing fear and anxiety. Her worst fears have been confirmed.

Her mother is a murderer.

As all their parents are murderers.

And they just killed Destiny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments much appreciated. Cheers!


End file.
